Wednesday, July 4, 2012

top ten ways to stay cool in your house

you guys HAD BETTER BELIEVE i'm resurrecting my blog, and it's mostly to post about something that's super practical and important and the foremost (okay, ONLY) thing on my mind right now. you know how whenever you hear about people giving you tips about how to stay cool in the summer, they mean OUTSIDE. you know, like, stay in the shade, drink lots of water, go inside if you get too hot. but you guys what if it's actually hotter IN YOUR HOUSE than it is outside? never fear, because i have all the experience on my side in this one and i am about to give you some AMAZINGLY HELPFUL pointers to help you get through the hellish apocalyptic inferno that is a central canadian summer.

  1. run your hands and feet under cold water and hold them in front of a fan. i find that cool extremities=cool the rest of you, for a few moments, anyway
  2. periodically stick your head in the freezer to "look" for something. take a really, really long time looking for it.
  3. stick other things in the freezer too, like your underwear or your laptop pillow. the more frozen things against your skin, the better.
  4. wrap yourself in a bunch of clothes and blankets, get REALLY REALLY SWEATY, and then let the sweat cool you down (i have never actually tried this, you guys, but theoretically it would work, right? i mean, after a while? if you have the patience?)
  5. drink lots of water. you might think i'm just recycling this advice from outside-coolness techniques, but really what i'm telling you is DRINK LOTS OF WATER. REALLY REALLY COLD WATER. REALLY REALLY FAST. LOTS AND LOTS. try not to drown yourself, though, if that's really a thing.
  6. for diy air conditioning, put a bowl of ice in front of your most powerful fan. then stick your head in that bowl of ice because IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. so screw you, internet.
  7. keep all your blinds closed. turn your house into the fucking batcave. this sounds totally counter-intuitive to an east coast girl like me, where it's like if you're hot you open the window. but even if it's a bit cooler outside than in, if there's sun streaming in through the window it is going to turn your house into a little fucking brick oven. keeping the blinds closed also lets you
  8. take off all your clothes. i mean come on, you're sitting in your batcave by yourself with dripping wet hands and feet and your head in the freezer. you already look crazy. you might as well be naked while you do it.
  9. don't live in a brick house, first of all. but if you do live in a brick house, hose down the bricks and leech some of the heat out of them. now, i don't really know if this actually works, but it makes you feel proactive and it's fun to see how many seconds it takes for the water to evaporate from the bricks. (it's science!)
  10. don't move unless you absolutely have to. sit as still as possible. don't get excited or anxious or anything else that'll get your heart rate (and your temperature) up: for instance, don't read blog comments, facebook stalk your ex, watch stressful television shows (this is why there's no hockey in the summer! okay, fine. that and the lack of ice). don't talk to your mom on the phone, fight with your boyfriend, or watch first-person pov roller coaster videos. read quiet, boring fiction. watch murder she wrote. practice being one with the heat. or, you know, at least your couch.
  11. BONUS: get drunk and pass out. just kidding. OR AM I?


  1. Great post, Amy, too funny. Going to try #2 ASAP :p

    #12 become best buds with someone who has central air and overstay your welcome.

    The worst is trying to sleep in the heat. Covers off is not comfortable and covers on is just too hot. I found myself soaking a bath towel in cold water and draping it over myself. It cooled me off enough to fall asleep, but didn't keep me cool all night.