my top nine favourite food network chefs

you guys know i love pretty much everything the food network does. i love top chef, i love dinner party wars, i love diners, drive-ins and dives. i even begrudgingly love that show with lynn crawford where she tries to be a farmer (the ads for it made her look like a douche. but in the actual show, she is very sweet and charming and totally genuine). but in my heart of hearts, i am a straight-up-cooking-show kind of girl. i want to sit down for half an hour and have a chef who is much more talented than i am make food in front of me and then taste it and go "mmm" and make their orgasm face while the fork is still in their mouth (seriously if there is one thing they teach you in tv chef school, that has got to be it, cause all of them do it EXACTLY THE SAME). and then i want to try to painstakingly recreate that food in my kitchen and proudly serve it to my beloved only to have him douse the whole thing with frank's red hot sauce. THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANT. and these are the people i want to watch doing it. (and yes, i know this is only nine. not everything has to be a top ten, you know. it's my new year's resolution to lighten up a little bit. you know, mix it up. go crazy. ONLY GO TO NINE). (just kidding, it's not. i don't make resolutions and i never mix it up. i just only have nine favourites. end of story).

1. laura calder - this is what i want: i want laura calder as my bestie. i want her to ride her bike over to my house in a flowery sundress, carrying fresh bread and cheese and herbs in her little wicker handlebar basket, and i want her to cook cassoulet and gaillet du roi for me and get me drunk on good french wine and tell me stories about when she used to live in paris with cami and all the parties they would throw for their french fashion industry friends. of course, i realize how ludicrous this all is. for one thing, poor laura calder would die of hypothermia before she even got to my house. and even if she made it to my house this would happen: laura calder would say "amy, where is your mandoline? your flan pan? your copper pot?" and i would say "laura calder, i don't have any of those things." and then she would probably cry, because she got such terrible hypothermia biking to my house in her sundress and i don't even have the proper cooking utensils. then she would take her french wine and steal my sorels and she would leave, walking her bike to the end of my driveway and waiting for the 4 neebing to come by, and i would watch her waiting out the window, and it would take two hours because that's how often the 4 neebing comes down my street, and the whole time she would be crying and calling out for cami. so basically what i'm saying is, it's best that laura calder just stays where she is and i watch her on french food at home every day at 6pm. so that's what i'm going to do.
2. michael smith - i'll be honest, there is a possibility that i only watch michael smith's show to get a glimpse of the atlantic ocean. and it's true that i still find michael smith to be kind of like a giant awkward sasquatch in the kitchen. but the awesome thing about michael smith is he's all "recipe? what recipe?" which is basically the way i cook all the time. michael smith just says, "this flavour goes well with this other flavour" and "this is the best way to cook this ingredient" and "this is what i'm going to use here, but YOU, AMY JONES, YOU USE WHATEVER YOU WANT, OKAY?" and then you kind of freak out a little (mostly cause MICHAEL SMITH JUST SAID MY NAME ON NATIONAL TV) and think "can i really do this?" but don't worry, cause that's the exact moment that the chick singer from the theme song comes on and whispers "you can do it too!" and then you think "you're right, theme song chick, i CAN do it too." then you do it and it turns out just mediocre, but that's okay because at least you tried, and michael smith and theme song chick would be so totally proud of you.
3. brian boitano -  I LOVE BRIAN BOITANO'S SHOW! okay, things i love about brian boitano's show: a) it's called what would brian boitano make? I MEAN COME ON THAT'S HILARIOUS. b) the premises for his shows are also amazing. observe: "in a jam, brian's good pal kristi yamaguchi asks brian if she can move her family gathering over to his place. brian politely obliges, but can he really feed 15 yamaguchis?" "after sharing post-game bacon martinis with an all girl roller derby squad, brian invites the team to his house for a dinner party. all of brian's simple and succulent recipes are created with the ladies' favorite ingredient - bacon!" i mean, WHO ISN'T friends with olympic figure skaters and roller derby teams! i only wish i could be that cool. c) it is a combination of the two best things you can have in a tv show: cooking, and camp. i swear to god, throw in joel mchale, a few wedding dresses, an indie rock soundtrack and a choreographed dance routine and you basically have my dream tv show. wait. HOLY CRAP I JUST WON TELEVISION!
   
   
   oh. i'm sorry. i mean joel mchale AND PUPPIES!
   
4. claire robinson - i used to like claire robinson okay. i had a bit of a girlcrush on her when she was on food network challenge, and i like the whole five ingredient fix thing, even if sometimes the five ingredients are SO BATSHIT CRAZY that they basically count as fifteen ingredients (i mean, OBVIOUSLY i have duck breasts, ruby port, and black cherries on hand. doesn't everyone?!) i even made her wine-braised beef short ribs, to mediocre results (this is before i owned a proper dutch oven. i am convinced that, were i to make them again in my new dutch oven, that they would turn out perfectly. when in doubt, blame it on the pot!) but when i really fell in love with claire robinson was when i saw her on this episode of the best thing i ever ate when she talked about this bbq pork sandwich at payne's bbq and she was talking about the owner, ms payne, and the camera guy was like "her name's flora, you know" and claire was like "NO. SHE IS MS. PAYNE." anyway. that bbq pork sandwich looked like the best thing i ever ate, and i didn't even actually eat it.
5. giada de laurentiis - giada is cory's favourite food network chef, for two reasons, neither of which are her food (he also really likes padma lakshmi, but she doesn't count as a chef. but still. go food network!) so for a while i kind of hated giada. "why, giada?" i would ask (to the television screen, obviously). "why must you cook in such low-cut blouses? are you not afraid that a little sizzling olive oil, a little creme fraiche, a little parsley and mint, are going to eventually find their way down in there?" (in retrospect, i'm pretty sure that the same thing i feared for giada was the very thing that cory hoped for). but then one day i was watching and it basically happened! and she was so blase about it like, whatevs, food in the boobs, happens all the time. and then i realized i was just projecting MY OWN food in the boobs fears onto this poor, adorable, talented television chef. which totally isn't fair.
6. roger mooking - roger mooking sings his own theme song. nothing else matters other than the fact that ROGER MOOKING SINGS HIS OWN THEME SONG. also, he knows everything about meat. it doesn't matter what his "obedient ingredient" is, because the show is always really about meat. one time he did this episode about cheese. guess what he put the cheese on? that's right. MEAT.
7. nadia g - oh, nadia g. should you be on this list? i don't know. and i know i've said it before, but i should have been all over you cooking show: you are all sex and attitude and rock and roll PLUS you are also food. but i was so totally not feeling you, nads. sometimes i'd watch your show and i just want to scream STOP TRYING SO HARD! in fact, i started watching your show all the time just to talk back to you on the screen.
   
   
   to be fair, nadia g, you ARE kind of the avril lavigne of the culinary world.
   then every once in a while i would give a little chuckle. maybe a guffaw. or i'd be like "hey, that thing you're cooking looks really good BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE YOU NADIA G. but hey, what's that recipe again?" then one day i realized i was no longer making snarky comments about you to my stuffed animals--i was actually enjoying your show. you know what you're like, nadia g? you're like one of those sour soothers that are basically the most painfully delicious candies ever. the first few minutes they're in your mouth you want to die, but then once that's over it's actually pretty sweet. and when it's done, you're all "yay let's do it again!" you're a sour soother, nadia g. rock on.
8. nigella lawson- true story: the first cookbook i ever read cover to cover was nigella's how to be a domestic goddess. i was working at dal and babysitting in the mornings for the child of a freelance writer and a set designer who had a cool old house that they had renovated themselves with crazy artwork on the walls and the biggest cd collection i had ever seen. they also didn't have a television. so when their daughter had played herself out and fell asleep on the floor (or in my lap, after forcing me to read the grinch who stole christmas over and over and over again to her, even in the middle of summer, until i didn't even have to look at the pages any more to read it to her) i had nothing to do but read whatever happened to be lying around in the living room. after a particularly tumultuous week where i blasted through both volumes of maus in a couple of sittings and the child would wake up to find me balled up on the couch rocking back and forth and moaning, i decided that if i didn't want to be responsible for scarring her for life i was going to have to stick to lighter fare. luckily, there was nigella. "i can't just sit here and read through a cookbook," i thought to myself, but then i started reading and i couldn't stop. i remember going home that night and telling my boyfriend "did you know that you just put cream and butter and parmesan on pasta and it'll ACTUALLY TASTE GOOD?" and he was like "yeah, but not with no-name margarine and fucking kraft grated simulated cheese product, you do realize." WHATEVER. okay, he was right, but nigella would have said it in a much nicer way. then she would have sat me down in her kitchen and made me ricotta pancakes and brushed my hair while i ate them.
9. martin picard - make no mistake: martin picard is batshit crazy. i once saw him make this insane shark sushi cone thingie right on the fishing boat seconds after he caught it. oh, and on another episode he also ate basically all of a moose. yeah. all of it. including the heart. AND THE TESTICLES. apparently for the filming of the first season of his show, he and his co-host were completely hammered the whole time, just traveling around in quebec and the maritimes cooking animals over fires and probably beating their chests and howling at the moon. his restaurant serves more fois gras than any other in the entire universe, and he just recently said "fuck you" to the canadian museum of civilization's winterlude dinner thingie because they weren't going to let him serve fois gras (which seems to me like asking young mc to play your wedding and then telling him he can't do "bust a move". oh, click it. you know you want to). the dude is UNAPOLOGETIC. and, to a person who you could steal her cellphone and kick in the crotch and SHE would apologize to YOU, that's kind of an admirable thing.

miscellanelist

1. i've been going back and forth to my mailbox every five seconds waiting for my advanced copy of matthew j trafford's the divinity gene to get here. cause he's a genius, remember? i think i'm basically more excited about this book than i was about my own. i mean, i had already read all the stories in mine, so, like, yawn. i've read a few of matthew's stories in various forms but not close to all of them. as soon as i get it, you can expect an extremely fair and balanced and not at all gushy and over-the-top review. it's going to be epic.
2. those of you who are in toronto should totally go to the book launch. matthew's book launch is basically going to be the aaron collier cd release party of the literary world. it's basically my book launch (same venue, same peeps putting it on) except probably with less of my family there and more of matthew's. also, way more interesting entertainment. i mean, not that me getting all loud and drunk wasn't super entertaining. i just think the entertainment at matthew's will be more organized.
3. in other, non-matthew-related news, i really want to tell you about this cool new project i'm involved with called seen reading. well, actually, seen reading is not exactly new, it's been around for a while and was just on hiatus for a little bit. it was started by the amazing julie wilson (aka the book madam) and this is pretty much how it goes: she sees you reading something, she reports it to the world, you become famous for half a second. but now she's recruited an army of literary voyeurs from around canada (possibly the world!) who can also log reports on a separate blog. and guess who gets to spy on thunder bay? well, duh, it's me. so if you live in thunder bay and you're embarrassed by what you're reading (you guys, i have very intimate knowledge about what thunder bay is reading and seriously it's nothing to be proud of) then you'd better invest in one of those little book cover thingies cause i've got excellent long-range vision and i work really, really close to a starbucks.
4. if you are living in northwestern ontario, are a writer, and you're NOT a member of NOWW, i am sad for you. not only because you are missing out on getting awesome emails from me on a regular basis, but also because you will be missing out on taking part in this really cool new electronic writer-in-residence project we're launching this week. lucky for you that even if you're not a member, you can come to the launch this weekend, with a reading and workshop with our e-writer-in-residence himself, michael van rooy. the reading is on friday night and also features readings by scott pound and rebekah skochinski, poet extraordinaire and all-around lovely person. also i will be there. and so will cory, because i'm making him. I'M JUST THAT PERSUASIVE.
5. the january issue of the walleye is out in the world and typo-free thanks to your superhero copy-editor. but the really exciting part will be next month, when i make the first step towards my dream of being a food network chef by PUBLISHING MY AWESOME RECIPE FOR CHICKEN POT PIE along with an article about comfort food in the february issue. now you will all be able to cook like me! except here's the thing: i don't think you will. writing out recipes is HARD, you guys. i mean, i don't know how many carrots or how much garlic i use! i don't know how long i cook it! but you can't just write "some" or "enough" or "until it's done" in a recipe. so probably if you try to cook with that recipe you will end up with a tasteless mess. and not tasteless in a good way, either.
6. i'm going to halifax next week for a visit! i seriously cannot wait to see my pet lobster again. also, to eat donairs, go fishing, and play my fiddle. it's going to be THE BEST WEEK!

thoughts on discovering i am no longer a virgo

1. okay, wait, so does this mean my OCD really is OCD and that i can totally stop overthinking things?
2. but how am i going to go through life as a leo? they're so self-absorbed and careless. that's a lot of pressure.
3. and because i used to think that i was a virgo who loved leos, and now i am just a leo, does that mean that all this time i subconsciously knew i was a leo and was therefore drawn to leos because i was being drawn to some base, repressed part of myself?
4. but wait, if those leos i was drawn to are no longer leos, does that mean that i was subconsciously seeing pieces of my repressed self mirrored back to me, and just projecting these traits on them that weren't actually there?
5. and if these leo traits were always inherently a part of me, was i repressing them because i thought, as a virgo, i had to?
6. and all that time i spent coming to terms with who i really was was really me just constructing a new, self-imposed image on myself, rather than a reflection of my true self?
7. and if i was just repressing my true self and just faking all those virgo traits, how am i supposed to know what is real and what is just a product of my imagination? HAS MY WHOLE LIFE BEEN A LIE?
8. AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS VIRGO TATTOO ON MY LEG?
9. holy shit, i'm freaking out, i'd better go organize my computer files or arrange tupperware in the cupboards by size to calm down. that'll give me a chance to go over and over and over all this in my head and not have to talk to anyone else about it, ever.
10. FUCK! THAT'S SUCH A VIRGO THING TO DO! I FAIL AT ASTROLOGY! I FAIL AT LIFE!

bonus: cory's thoughts on discovering he is no longer a leo:

1.  whatever.

songs played in the office since i got to work

because i'm bored and seriously, WHO MADE THIS PLAYLIST ANYWAY? and what could it possibly be called? i'm kind of fascinated; i mean, i hated the christmas music but at least it made sense. this channel is basically made up of  half songs from the current magic 99.9 rotation and half songs from that mixed tape i made in first year university. i mean, who follows eric clapton with katy perry? WHO, I DEMAND TO KNOW?

also because i want you to know what torture i am exposed to daily.

1. amazing - bruno mars
2. fast car - tracy chapman
3. use somebody - kings of leon
4. spiderwebs - no doubt
5. if it's love - train (i hate this song more than anyone has ever hated a song in the history of songs)
6. one of us - joan osborne (i totally forgot this song existed before tonight, truly)
7. tears in heaven - eric clapton
8. teenage dream - katy perry (RIGHT?)
9. take a bow - madonna
10. into the night - santana ft. chad kroeger
11. shark in the water - vv brown
12. stars - simply red
13. run around - blues traveler
14. world i have known - collective soul
15. king of anything - sarah bareilles
16. fly like an eagle - seal
17. hollywood - michael buble
18. hanging by a moment - lifehouse
19. in your room - the bangles
20. wicked game - chris isaak
21. copa cabana - i'm not sure, this might be michael buble, but seriously, what the hell?
22. you belong with me - taylor swift
23. with arms wide open - creed (yes, fucking creed)
24. the way i am - ingrid michaelson (i had to google this one. i think it was on a commercial or something)
25. raise your glass - pink
26. 8675309/jenny - tommy tutone
27. when i look at you - miley cyrus
28. fly - sugar ray
29. hey ya (acoustic) - possibly either matt weddle or obadiah parker, according to google, but i can't tell for sure because i don't have speakers on my computer so i don't know which one I NEED TO PUT A HIT OUT ON FOR MAKING THIS VOMIT-INDUCING PIECE OF TRASH SONG THAT THEY PLAY OBSESSIVELY AT BOTH MY JOBS FOR SOME REASON UNFATHOMABLE TO ANY NORMAL PERSON WITH EARS.
30. THAT'S IT. I GIVE UP. WORST. PLAYLIST. EVER.

top ten awesome things about aaron collier

you guys, i am really lucky to have some super talented friends. and the thing about aaron is, he's not only basically a genius, he's also one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. and this week, on january 13th at bread and circus, he is performing a release show for his newest solo album, neo. believe me when i tell you that if i was in toronto there is nothing that could keep me away from that show. well, maybe if i was infected with the ebola virus or something. that wouldn't be fair to the other show goers. so, um, believe me when i tell you that if i was in toronto there is nothing short of contracting the ebola virus that could keep me away from that show. NOT EVEN RACCOONS. and you know i don't joke about raccoons.

sadly, i am not in toronto. but maybe you are? in which case, you need to go in my place. it's easy: just wear black converse and a hoodie and stand around with your hands balled up into little fists. no one will know the difference, i promise. and you'll have the best time! here's why:

1. his one band, the jimmy swift band is basically the most famous band in halifax. seriously. if you go to halifax and go up to any random person on the street and say "hey, how did you like the last jsb show?" they'd be like "IT WAS AWESOME I DANCED FOR LIKE SEVEN STRAIGHT HOURS." and then they'll go eat a donair and ride the ferry. seriously, it's like that there.
2. his other band, scientists of sound, wear these hilarious, slightly terrifying masks and have been known to perform the entire daft punk homework album onstage. i know what you're thinking: "amy you're making this up, no one is THAT awesome." but you'd be wrong:
   
   that's right. HILARIOUS AND TERRIFYING!
   
3. do you guys remember when i was on the cover of the new quarterly and you were all "hey that is a really amazing picture of amy on the cover of the new quarterly, i wonder who could have POSSIBLY taken it?" yep, you guessed it. that was aaron collier.
   
   
   any excuse to post this picture again, really 
4. he composed the score for the trestle at pope lick creek, for one of my favourite productions by one of my favourite theatre companies ANYWHERE, angels and heroes. i'm not biased or anything, i just love them, okay? (ps, you guys totally need to update your facebook page. i'm pretty sure i wrote that terrible description) 
5. according to facebook, aaron and richie might just be canada's only husband and husband synth and vocals looping duo.
   
   
   seriously, JUST TRY TO THINK OF ANOTHER ONE!
6. the last time i saw him perform solo at bread and circus, he performed this ridiculous version of hide and seek that i'm pretty sure is STILL reverberating in my body somewhere.
7. he makes incredible pancakes. he probably won't make any for you at the show or anything, but you can think about them while you're watching him play.
8. he was a key player in the creation of what might just be my favourite few minutes of recorded music anywhere on the planet. unfortunately, this exists only in my memory (and perhaps on a cd buried deep in a storage box in abbotsford, bc) and nowhere on the internet and honestly even if it was on the internet i would never link to it for fear of harm to my person. yeah, apparently i am the only one who thinks that it's that awesome. cause i have a secret that i cannot tell...
9. this is how he celebrates halloween.
10. he has the most supportive husband on the planet, who is totally NOT standing over me threatening to stuff pages from archie comic books down my throat if i don't write this (seriously, i was going to write it anyway! there is no need to bring out shawn duggan in a bondage mask. i promise i'll be good).

15 things that happened while i was comatoast

that heading is not a typo: i once had a roommate who would say "comatoast" instead of "comatose" and i never knew whether or not she was being cute or whether she really did think that was the word. either way, i really like it and think it's an appropriate description for what happened to me over the holidays. i watched endless streams of harried consumers buy a bunch of crap, had one day off while they exchanged all that crap with other harried consumers, and then went back to watch them return it all. in retrospect, i guess it was all kind of zen or something: all things returning to whence they came, the ebb and flow of life and crappy gift product, blah blah blah. whatever. it still turned my brain to cooked bread.

so i basically have no idea what went on in the real world or on the internets, and that makes me sad. what might be even sadder are the few things that did manage to squeeze their way through the slice of slightly burnt wonderbread wedged firmly in my brain. there will be no "best of the decade" posts here, only a few drippings of what i apparently think is important. oh, ps, just so you know, i don't do resolutions or anything (just DO the damn thing for god's sake, stop yakking about it) but a coworker and i made a pact that next year we will not be working retail for christmas. cause next year i might not get away with just being comatoast; it might be something worse. like comascrambledeggs or something.

(or something... or something... still a little toasted, apparently. oh well)

1. the penguins lost the winter classic, even though i was sitting there inches away from the tv in cory's parents' living room wearing my little penguin's toque and scarf and cheering them on while the whole family made fun of me. BUT I GUESS THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU, WAS IT? what do you want, my firstborn or something? god.
2. there was that other hockey game that i don't even want to talk about. EVER.
3. some kind of harry potter movie came out at a place called a "movie theatre" that apparently attracts packs of teenagers and adults on first dates.
4. uh, as far as i can tell, wikipedia started leaking, although i don't know if that's literally or figuratively.
5. there was a lunar eclipse that happened somewhere beyond the layers of thick cloud cover over thunder bay.
6. justin bieber still lives, while thousands of other, less irritating people die every day.
7. some balding dude called william got engaged to a pretty girl called kate. little old british ladies are overjoyed.
8. everyone got new facebook profiles for christmas. now i know what languages all my friends speak without having to click another link! thanks, mark zuckerburg!
9. my mom came very close to getting sucked into a internet scam! let this be a warning to all of you to keep a closer eye on your parents when they are online. in fact, a good rule of thumb is to not allow parents on the internet without supervision at all. even if it is just for farmville.
10. cory and i did not win an ipad at his christmas party, despite spending more money than anyone else there on $4.50 bar shots. although apparently the draw was just random, and not based on how much overpriced alcohol you could consume. BUT IF IT WAS!
11. for christmas, cory got a computer chair and a dutch oven. which, because he already has an awesome chair and generally food just tends to magically appears in front of him, means i got a computer chair and a dutch oven. yay, me!
12. mila kunis and macauley culkin broke up. cory does secret dance of joy.
13. 2010 turned into 2011, which means we have one more year before the end of the world, according to the mayans and jon cusack. now i sort of regret that warranty we bought on our new tv.
14. the globe and mail went up in price, and now costs $2.03. let me tell you in no uncertain terms that i hate that three cents more than anyone has ever hated three cents before in their life.
15. we got a new hello kitty calendar. in january, she makes a snowman!