Saturday, October 8, 2011

seventeen things i learned about disney

if you follow me on twitter (and if you don't, why not!?!), you might be wondering what has happened to my "things i hate about porter airlines" post with which i claimed i would resurrect my blog. and while the sentiment still vehemently holds true (why, why, why is there nothing to eat at their airport except almonds and disgusting shortbread cookies?!), i just can't bring myself to return to listophelia after all these months and post something so negative. also, i went to disney a couple of weeks ago and i want to talk about that, mostly because i didn't get nearly enough jealous comments on my facebook photos about how awesome our vacation looked and how lucky we were. but don't let this discourage you from following me on twitter, you guys; honestly, i only tweet-lie once in a while, when it is most convenient for me.
  1. universal studios might be where all the big roller coasters are, but disney is where the magic happens.
  2. okay, there might be a little bit of magic at univeral, mostly in the form of a roller coaster where you can choose the music you listen to while you ride it, and another one that shoots you up into a corkscrew, and also hogwart's. but it's not the same kind of i'm-in-another-world magic, the kind of magic that, even though you fancy yourself a cynic, makes you jump up and down and clap your hands like an insane, sugar-saturated five year old when the parade goes by AND MICKEY WAVES TO YOU, OH MY GOD.
  3. part of this magic--the sinister part!--includes making you want to buy everything. okay, so maybe i am a bit more suggestable than the average human being, but I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO BUY EVERYTHING. and as you might already know about me,  i HATE buying things. but, like, we came home with salt and pepper shakers shaped like mickey ears. SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS! SHAPED LIKE MICKEY EARS!
  4. every disney park has fireworks every night (except animal kingdom, cause it closes early to put the animals to bed) and they're all different and YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL OR ELSE YOU'RE TOTALLY MISSING OUT. same goes with the parades. it doesn't matter if you've been to three parks already and it's 40 degrees in the shade and you've ridden the tower of terror 7 times and you just want to go home, you have to go stake out your vantage point for an hour (or, in the case of the fantasmic show at hollywood studios, sit on a super hard bleacher with 20000 other people) and wait until 9pm. and it is totally, totally, totally worth it.

    they do this EVERY NIGHT

  5. disney runs not just like a well-oiled machine, but like a machine from a distant future in which machines do not even need oil but instead run on the laughter of small children. and the more you try to figure out how this shit is happening, the harder they try to distract you. LOOK OVER HERE LOOK LOOK LOOK and suddenly the set has changed and instead of being in a 19th century russian palace, you are on the moon. and here's the craziest thing--and don't ask me how it works, because there are about 700 parking lots and roads and turns and barriers and fences, but when you leave the parking lot they all cheerily tell you to "follow the arrow" like there's only one arrow, and then it's like there is only one arrow and then you are on your way home. okay, maybe it's not that weird, but come on, it's that weird, right?
  6. the people who work at disney are basically contractually obligated to be ridiculously nice to you. like, i'm pretty sure you could smush an ice cream cone against their face and they would smile and ask if there is anything else you need. they all wave at you, no matter what, and if you're staying at a disney resort and you're wearing one of the buttons they give you that say MY FIRST VISIT or IT'S MY BIRTHDAY or JUST MARRIED, they will say "enjoy your first visit!" or "happy birthday!" or "congratulations!" as is appropriate every time, without fail, no matter what (and for the record, it was my first visit and it was my birthday, and if i had been staying at a disney resort i would have worn both buttons just to make them say both things every time).
  7. even with all the massive amounts of magic, there are moments when disney is totally unintentionally creepy. i think it's all the animatronics. in particular, the it's a small world ride kind of made me feel as though those little dancing international children were going to spin right off their platforms and murder me in my little boat, all the while singing "it's a world of laughter, a world of tears..."
  8. and even though it is the happiest place on earth, there is always going to be a kid screaming because he doesn't like his ice cream and he wants his sister's instead. or several thousand of them. although i will admit that there is a level of tantrum that can be reached in a child where one can seem like a thousand.
  9. on the topic of kids: eventually, you will start seeing strollers not as vehicles for adorable happy children, but as FUCKING BATTERING RAMS. seriously, nothing against the average stroller user but in vast hordes, they can seem terrifying. and i have never in my life seen as many strollers in one place as i did at disney world.

    it's like that first scene in saving private ryan, but with strollers

    for the record, if you are threatened by one of these stroller wielding crazy people, just back away slowly. you can't fight them. they will just run you over and then scream at you in spanish. which brings me to number ten:
  10. cory and i thought we were so clever going to disney the week after school started, but as we quickly found out, although it may be back to school time in north america, in the entire latin american world it's BRING YOUR KIDS TO DISNEY time. it wasn't packed, exactly, just not nearly as quiet as we thought it would be. also, instead of giant families of americans wearing matching CONNOR FAMILY ROCKIN' DISNEY ADVENTURE 2011 and saying y'all all the time, everyone was speaking spanish and the moms were hot.
  11. the best roller coaster at disney is expedition everest at animal kingdom. the second best is rockin' roller coaster at hollywood studios, even though they force you to listen to aerosmith before, during, and after the ride. space mountain is scary because you feel like any moment it might actually fall apart. thunder mountain is kind of boring. test track isn't exactly a roller coaster but it's fun as hell. and the best ride hands down at any disney park is tower of terror. maybe best ride ever at any park. no jokes.
  12. not so much about disney, just a general note about florida: they LOVE drake. like, to the point where it was kind of ridiculous. every morning when we got in the car, they were playing drake. every night when we got back in the car, they were playing drake. when we went to a restaurant, they were playing drake; when we went to bed at night, drake was in our dreams and in our nightmares.
  13. someone else who was in my dreams and my nightmares was stacey.

    this is the 2010 version. in the 2011 version, if you can believe it, she was PEPPIER.

    no matter what channel you left your tv tuned to when you turned it off, when you turned it back on, it was playing must do disney with stacy. on a loop. an endless, endless loop. and sometimes you would turn it on and be so mesmerized that you would watch it for a good solid ten minutes before you even realized you were watching it, and not only that, but it was ALWAYS ON THE SAME PART where she was talking about the gorilla at animal kingdom and how "he kinda looks like my uncle phil!" no wonder, when you google "stacey hotel disney" the fourth link from the top is this.
  14. don't go to the canada pavilion at epcot. they will try to sell you something called a "north bay smoothie" which i think might actually be moonshine and beaver shit, and they will try to make you watch a movie about voyageurs or something starring martin short. and they will try to convince you that this is a real, authentic canadian band:

    they rocked

    actually, i think that basically goes for every nationality: don't go to your own country's pavilion. your girlfriend might make you pose for a picture similar to this:

    disney does canada
  15. epcot is NOT entirely inside the giant golf ball. not that anyone would ever think it was. 
  16. the pineapple soft serve is amazing, and the pineapple soft serve/pineapple juice float is also amazing, but the vanilla soft serve/pineapple juice float is the best one of all.
  17. there is a place at disney to take your dog, called, like, best friends pet palace or something like that. but don't tell morgan, he'd be devastated.


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