Saturday, October 29, 2011

amy's top ten rules of dog park etiquette

i spend A LOT of time in dog parks, you guys. and even though there is the inevitable set of rules already posted outside, i feel like maybe they missed a few things.
  1. acceptable things to say to other dog park people: a) your dog is so cute! b) what kind is he? c) how old is he? d) heard it might snow today.
  2. unacceptable things to say to other dog park people: a) would you mind picking that up for me? b) it's funny, he only ever seems to get those around younger women c) so, is there a mister fido's owner? d) i live in my car.
  3. if your dog is humping another dog, it is desirable to make at least cursory overtures to stop him. something like "hey. hey, come on now. at least do it on the right end" will show you care while making people laugh, as well as possibly relieving some of the sexual tension between you and the owner of the dog being violated, who will inevitably be the "mister fido's owner" guy.
  4. unlike, say, a children's playground, it is acceptable if you want to come into the dog park without a dog, and stand around exclaiming at the adorableness of the dogs, pet their heads, scratch their bums, and/or give them treats. no one will think you want to have sex with the dogs.
  5. if your dog is particularly slobbery, the classy thing to do is bring a towel to clean off the heads of the dogs he is playing with before it hardens to a texture akin to hair gel.
  6. snide remarks from one dog owner to another dogs owner about a third, unrelated dog owner are acceptable only if the third, unrelated dog owner has a faux hawk, is wearing multiple gold chains, or has ever used the phrase "yous guys."
  7. if you bring a ball, expect that other dogs will play with it. if you bring a dish of water, expect that other dogs will drink it all. if you bring a pocket full of treats, expect a bunch of canine noses down your pants.
  8. just because your dogs are best friends, doesn't mean that you are.
  9. if your dog pees on another dog, it is okay to laugh about it, but it is not okay to make golden shower jokes.
  10. if your dog pees on an actual person, saying "he must have mistaken you for a tree" is not the acceptable response. the golden shower joke should go without saying.

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