Tuesday, December 28, 2010

top ten signs that you've been working too much over the holidays

  1. you answer the phone at home by saying "thank you for calling. please hold."
  2. you've forgotten how to change the channels on your television.
  3. you sing christmas carols constantly and you don't even know you're doing it.
  4. you talk to your boyfriend on the phone more than you do in person.
  5. the people at the tim's by your workplace already have your order ready before you even pull up to the drive thru.
  6. it's been weeks since you've eaten off a real plate and not out of tupperware.
  7. you don't check your twitter feed because it's too depressing to see other people having fun.
  8. your living room floor has been covered in wrapping paper and feathers for days, and you don't even care.
  9. you randomly ask people on the street if you can help them with anything.
  10. you haven't written anything on your blog in a week, even though YOU TOTALLY LOVE YOUR READERS AND WISH THEM NOTHING BUT RAINBOWS AND SPARKLES AND WISH YOU COULD WRITE TO THEM EVERY DAY. true story.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

my favourite christmas songs

so i promised you something christmasey, and i'm totally running out of time. the problem is, well, i'm just not that good at christmasey. i don't really buy presents or decorate things, and while i like the fact that the holidays give me a chance to eat and drink my face off, i'm not really super into holiday baking or anything (the food that reminds me the most of christmas is potato chips and sour cream, which is what we used to eat while decorating the tree. also bailey's. which my mom would let me drink out of little tiny liqueur glasses at christmas. thanks mom!) i won't see my family until january when i can actually afford to travel, and socializing is pretty hard when don't have any time off over the holidays. and while i totally love the idea that this time of year people are all about peace and goodwill towards man etc etc, retail has basically slowly steamrolled that out of me, turning me into a deflated little grinch. yeah, i'm talking about you, dude who got mad at me for charging you five cents for a bag.

but there are still a few things that make me feel christmasey: getting lindor chocolates in the mail! walking through the woods in the snow with the dog! christmas lobsters! drinking bailey's by the fire! hugging people you don't normally hug! watching elf! and you know what else makes me feel christmasey? music that is only awesome for three weeks out of the year (hear that, stores? THREE WEEKS. NOT THREE MONTHS). it's like christmas comes around and i'm all "yay! i can like this song again!" because, let's be honest, christmas songs in july are just depressing. even the good ones. so here's my christmas play list, you guys. happy holidays or whatever! listen to these songs, and smile at someone! that is my christmas wish this year.
  1. all i want for christmas is you - you know that scene in the best christmas movie of all time, love actually? when the love of sam's life steps out on the stage and starts singing that song and then when she sings "you" she points to sam and he's all yay! and then she sings "and you" and then points to someone else and he immediately looks like someone just shot him in the back with a bb gun? and then the curtain opens and hugh grant is making out with that girls backstage? wait, what, you don't? for the love of god, click the link! click it. CLICK IT! yeah. that's christmas right there.
  2. auld lang syne - speaking of christmas movies, when i was in high school i made a boy cry by taking him to see it's a wonderful life at the theatre and by the end when everyone was singing that song in george bailey's house he was crying so hard that he basically ran out the emergency exit so no one would see him. and after that every time that song played, i swear he teared up a little bit thinking about how every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. and now every time i hear that song, i think about making boys cry. and it makes me laugh a little bit. also it makes me think about when harry met sally, which makes me cry. it's a very confusing emotional song for me.
  3. christmas in hollis - when i was in, like, grade five or something, we bought one of the first very special christmas tapes and this song was on it. i remember listening to the tape in the car with my dad on christmas eve when we went to get our christmas lobsters and when it came on he was like "what the hell is this?" and i was like, "it's rap, dad, god, it's music" and he was like "well, it might be rap but it's not music" and we have basically been having the same conversation ever since.
  4. snoopy and the red baron - i don't think i have to explain to anyone why this song is awesome. there's snoopy, there's the red baron, there's trumpets. enough said. FLYING BEAGLES FOR THE WIN!
  5. fairytale of new york - here's a story: my first comic book girl crush was on tulip o'hare from the preacher series. she kicked ass and loved her man and when she thought he was dead and she got all fucked up and then they were finally reunited, there was that scene where they were kissing in the snow in new york and at the top it said "i built my dreams around you" and when i turned the page and saw that it basically punched me in the lung. cause i already loved that song. and i mean, come on, what says christmas better than the pogues?
  6. anything from the nana mouskouri christmas album - when we were decorating our tree and eating our potato chips and sour cream, we were listening to nana mouskouri and singing along. even when she was singing in french or german or whatever and we didn't know what the words meant. we were like abba! except less blonde. even now, if i hear any versions of these songs other than hers, it just seems wrong. so no one else can ever sing ave maria, okay?
  7. mele kalikimaka - okay, hear me out. i listen to a lot of really shitty christmas songs, over and over again. it's getting to the point where if i hear hey santa again i might actually stab someone with a fork. one of those songs that i hear over and over again, at both my retail jobs (i think they subscribe to the same crappy christmas music service), is mele kalikimaka, which i don't even think i had heard before this year. but then all of a sudden i was humming this kind of weird catchy hawaiian tune, and then i was looking forward to it coming on, and then i was actually youtubing it. never mind that i thought they were singing "mele kalikimaka is the wise way to say merry christmas" -- i figured it out eventually. but seriously, listen to it a few times! it's super catchy and makes me want to surf in a santa hat, or decorate a palm tree with christmas lights.
  8. the little drummer boy - i like all versions of this song. i can see why angela wanted it played at her wedding. but obviously the best version is the david bowie version.
  9. do they know it's christmas time - i'm a huge sucker for those collaborative-type charity songs that make you want to watch the video in slow motion and say "hey isn't that so and so and there's that guy and holy crap is that really her?" (you should have seen me with that waving flag video. i mean, come on, BIEBER was in it!) obviously this is the best one because they're all 80s stars who i kind of know but kind of don't. but did you ever hear this version? it's full of british people hat i don't really know who they are. but the song is still amazing. i mean, come on. have you ever listened to the actual lyrics? "the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears and the christmas bells that ring there are THE CLANGING CHIMES OF DOOM"?! yeah. wicked!
  10. the twelve days of christmas - again, there is only one version of this you need to care about, and it's this one. you're welcome.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

top one rip off of me of the day

  1. see this kleenex box?



    anything there that looks a little familiar to you? no? well, let's take a closer look:




    well, that looks to me like it might be a play-doh penguin with a hat and stripey scarf sitting on a toboggan. which is OBVIOUSLY NOTHING LIKE A PLAY-DOH PENGUIN WITH A HAT AND STRIPEY SCARF SITTING ON A SNOWBOARD, WHICH I MADE LAST YEAR AND ALSO WROTE ABOUT HERE, ON MY BLOG, IN CASE YOU WERE THINKING MAYBE I JUST TOOK THIS PICTURE THIS AFTERNOON.




    also, we don't keep the playstation on the coffee table anymore. aww, we're growing up!

    okay, kleenex. your move.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

reverb cheating list

nice enigmatic title, right? you're probably thinking "is this some kind of echoing list about a swindle, a flimflam, a bamboozle, AN EFFING HOODWINK?" (tyvm thesaurus.com) and to that i laugh and say WELL, OBVIOUSLY, OR IT COULD BE IN REFERENCE TO ME CHEATING ON REVERB 10, which is this totally awesome thing you could do if you were committed and insightful and prone in any way to self-reflection, like rebecca or her friend scott or any number of clever people out there on the interwebs. but as dedicated readers of this blog, you already know i DECIDEDLY DO NOT fall into any of these categories. but guys, it's like they were totally taunting me with the prompt for the eleventh, which had the phrase "make a list of eleven things" right in the first sentence! (okay, i'm reading it over again and nowhere does it actually say "make a list." BUT IT IS STRONGLY IMPLIED. PLUS THERE'S NUMBERS). and so, as a treat to myself on this cold winter's night after working a hundred thousand million days in a row, i'm making this goddamn list and not even thinking about doing any of the other prompts AND THERE'S NOT A DAMN THING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

so then i took a closer read (i admit, the first time i read it, all i saw was LISTLISTLISTLISTLIST), and this is the actual prompt.

"December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)"

well, fuck. i don't even think i HAVE eleven things, you guys! of course, i did move into a house full of things that, while they aren't mine, per say, they are mine, like, a little bit, and i would very happily get rid of them if i didn't think i would come home from work the next day and find the locks changed and all my clothes out on the front lawn. because these things are sentimental, you guys. examples of these sentimental things include:
  1. sentimental kraft dinner that expired in 1996 (and here i bet you didn't even know that kraft dinner expired at all! don't say i never taught you anything)
  2. sentimental frozen juice containers (you know the plastic ones with the foil lids that you peel back? do they even make those any more?)
  3. sentimental vicks vaporub
  4. ten years worth of sentimental maxim magazines
  5. sentimental holey socks, probably
  6. etc.
but making this list really would be a bamboozle AND a hookwink, because a) they really aren't my things and b) i'm never going to get rid of them because someone i love loves them and therefore i love them too. so even though it might be a super big challenge, i am now going to tell you about, wait for it, ELEVEN THINGS I WILL GET RID OF IN 2010.
  1. sentimental tube of lipstick - a while back my favourite curly-haired newlywed, lindsay, gave me a tube of lipstick as a gift for driving her to the chiropractor every week when she hurt her back and didn't have a car (what can i say. i'm an angel!). then that night i put on that lipstick and a sexy dress and we went out for indian food and drank our faces off and flirted with the waiter and it was the very best girl's night in the whole world and it was the very best lipstick in the whole world and i can't get it here in thunder bay. so i keep the empty tube in my car and sometimes i dip my pinky finger in there to see if i can dig some out but really the only thing i dig out is sadness.
  2. sentimental thai take-out - OMG YOU GUYS SPEAKING OF THINGS I LEFT IN MY CAR! one day cory and i and my friend shannon went to this place in thunder bay that makes indian food and thai food and we discovered that they are much, MUCH better at the indian part of it. so we had a bunch of thai leftovers, and i vaguely remember cory taking them but then we didn't have them in the house so i thought shannon must have taken them. then a few weeks later, i was at work and shannon had to borrow my car, and when she got back she was all "your car smells like thai food!" and i was like, "haha, that's weird." then i started thinking about it and i was like "hmmm." and then "could it be?" and then "IS IT?" and then "nah" and then "hahahaha." then i went out to my car and there was a brown paper bag on the floor of the passenger side, and i was like, no, that's totally just an empty mcdonald's bag because my car is a sty and that's what i do, i throw empty mcdonald's bags on the floor of the passenger side. then i picked it up and was like, "oh. thai food." but you guys, that's not even the worst part. the worst part is, i stuffed the bag into a plastic bag and hung it over the gear shifter and IT'S STILL THERE. but it's okay, because the plastic bag totally means it's in the garbage, right?
  3. mismatched socks - i have this thing about odd socks. i feel really sad for them. they go off on this big adventure, like on my feet or in a suitcase or a washing machine, and then somewhere along the way they get separated, can't find each other, and they're calling each others' names, like "LEFT! WHERE ARE YOU!?" "OVER HERE, RIGHT!" "I CAN'T SEE YOU!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT! I STILL CAN'T SEE YOU!" "RIGHT, DON'T LEAVE ME! DON'T LEAVE ME RIGHT!" "LEFT! NOOOOOO!" and i am always totally think that the moment i throw right out, like, bruce willis or someone will save left and left will be all "RIGHT! I MADE IT! RIGHT! I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME! RIGHT? RIGHT...? uh, right...?" fuck, you guys, i totally just talked myself out of this. please give me some moral support.
  4. slap chop - i bought cory a slap chop and a graty last year, mostly just for the graty, which turned out to be THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT AND DON'T EVER BUY IT EVER. but the slap chop was awesome, you guys--for the fifteen seconds it actually worked. then it broke. and now i keep it in the cupboard, and sometimes i take it down and poke it a little, and then i put it back in the cupboard, and then cory says "i'll take a look at it" but then he never does, and it just sits there taking up valuable cupboard space. and i'm basically going to go throw it out right now. or at least poke at it again.
  5. mismatched tupperware lids - okay, so to be fair, most of the tupperware was here before i moved in, but i think it's okay to include on this list because a) i sort of think of the kitchen as my domain, you know, minus the sentimental kraft dinner and the sentimental juice etc. and b) the fact that they are mismatched is probably due to me and my ability to lose things without ever even touching them. but that tupperware cupboard is SCARY. every time i open it i risk being showered in plastic. and it's not just tupperware: it's empty cream cheese tubs and sour cream tubs and margarine tubs and every other fucking tub under the sun and I'M SICK OF IT ALL. i should not have to live in fear of my fucking cupboard. that shit is FINISHED. and to those of you who are all "yeah but what about them getting separated and calling each other's name and all that stuff," i say bitches, please. they're fucking TUPPERWARE CONTAINERS. they don't have feelings. god.
  6. my laptop - if i was going to make a list of things i hate about my laptop, it would go like this: EVERYTHING. the "e," "d," and "3" key don't work, as some of you might remember, so i have to carry an aux keyboard with me at all times. it scorches my legs, has zero battery life, pieces of random plastic frequently just fall off of it, and it has about 0.00000004 megs of ram and the world's most depressing graphics card. oh, by the way, did i mention that it JUST RANDOMLY GIVES ME THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH ABOUT TWICE A DAY? i'm sorry, laptop, i mean, we've had some good times, and i know that i've ridden you super hard these past four years. but, let's face it, you almost lost my entire new manuscript last week. that's something i can't really forgive you for. plus, ps, you're a computer. it's not like you're, i don't know, a tube of lip gloss or something.
  7. pennies - as every single fucking customer told me at my till today (as if i don't listen to cbc radio like the rest of you! god),  there's a private member's bill in the senate right now proposing to eliminate the penny. while, as someone who spends way too much of her life counting pennies, i give a wholehearted FUCK YEAH to that idea, i also give a wholehearted UH, CAN YOU WAIT FOR A MINUTE WHILE I ROLL THIS SHIT UP AND CASH IT IN? cause i have a lot of pennies to cash in. and if i do, think of all the tupperware i will free up to fall on my head.
  8. that other thing that i totally should throw away - i don't know you guys, i don't think there is anything else that i can legitimately call mine to throw away. i might have to call this list a failure. maybe i should have made a list of things to get in 2010, like a toque or an external hard drive or a copy of my book (seriously, the last couple of readings i've had to borrow cory's copy. which is a bummer cause it's covered in drawings of penises. okay, that's not true. but it could be. that totally seems like something he would do).

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

top three "signs" in thunder bay

  1. spa for transgendered folks:



  2. garage that will stage a car wreck for insurance purposes:



  3. call centre that makes you crawl through a hole in the wall:

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

top ten things i hate about christmas

okay look, before you run away in disgust, i totally love christmas and in a day or so i will totally be over it and back in love with the holidays, but retail at christmas is hard, you guys, and some days you just feel like crawling in a hole and going "lalalalala" for about an hour (trust me, i actually do this at work sometimes: bend down behind the counter to "check" the printer in its little cubby, when in reality i'm just trying to take a fucking moment. i now find the smell of toner oddly soothing.) i totally promise that a) i will get all the negativity out of my system right now and b) i will balance it out with a "things i LOVE about christmas" post in the next couple of days. but right now you guys HOLY FUCK HERE ARE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.
  1. people who finish their christmas shopping in october and are totally smug about it.
  2. people who do their christmas shopping at normal person times and are totally stressed about it ("OMG i can't believe there's only 15 shopping days left before christmas!" DO YOU REALLY NEED MORE THAN 15 SHOPPING DAYS?)
  3. the fact that over the holidays, every single post on foodgawker is about baking cookies. people still need to eat regular food over the holidays! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE CANNOT SUBSIST ON CANDY CANES AND GINGERBREAD MEN.
  4. grumpy shoppers. WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS CHEER? holy crap.
  5. sick shoppers sneezing on you and getting you sick for your only day off between now and christmas.
  6. christmas carols that start at the beginning of november and PLAY ON REPEAT FOR HOURS ON END.
  7. people buying a whole bunch of junk for people they don't care about. for serious. junk. not even thoughtful junk, just JUNK. they're called GIFT CARDS, people. or better yet, CHARITABLE DONATIONS. i mean, they may not be the most popular gift, but no one is going to call you out for giving to the spca or something instead of buying them a scented snowman candle, and your money will go way further. they might secretly hate you, but only on the inside! and maybe they'd appreciate it when they have to find a place to store that scented snowman candle come january.
  8. work secret santa. like, theoretically, if you all work together you all make the same amount of money. but this never seems to be the case. and that twenty dollar limit that might be pocket change for you is really a hell of a lot of money to me, dollar for dollar. especially if i'm just going to have to spend it on junk for someone i don't care about.
  9. that chick in that homesense commercial who gives her girlfriend an ugly-ass vase and she's all "ooh i love it" and her other friend is like "uh i thought we had a twenty dollar limit" and she's like "we did" and she's SO SUPER SMUG about BUYING JUNK that she PROBABLY BOUGHT IN OCTOBER. she basically encapsulates it all.
  10. puking on tv. okay, so this isn't christmasey or anything, but i've been noticing a lot more of this lately, so much so i think it's a bit of an epidemic and IT HAS TO BE STOPPED. i know there are people out there who think that vomiting is funny but SOME PEOPLE--i'm not naming names or anything--have very low tolerance for this sort of thing. SOME PEOPLE might just vomit every time they see, hear, or think about vomiting. in fact, SOME PEOPLE might just start associating your show, your face, or even your name with vomiting. so just bear that in mind next time you write a vomit scene. and jonah hill, if i ever meet you i promise i will throw up all over your shoes.
okay, end stormclouds. begin sparkles!

    Sunday, December 5, 2010

    fifteen internet searches that brought people to my blog, answered by me

    so sometimes, on occasion, once in a while, when i'm super bored, i check out google analytics. i CERTAINLY DO NOT check it obsessively all the time or anything. but sometimes when i am just dropping by there innocently once in a while it makes me feel sorry for all the internet searchers out there who end up at my blog when they are just trying to find out what that line from elf is or want to see naked pictures of some other chick called amy jones (at least, that's what i'm choosing to believe). INTERNET SEARCHING IS TOUGH YOU GUYS. so i thought i would help out all those lonely googlers out there with some answers to their most pressing and important searches. that's right, it's time for another installment of AMY JONES SAVES THE INTERNET! (okay, fine, the only installment. god you guys are so literal).
    1. "most irrational fear": i'm going to go with fear of jello. cause even though it's technically possible that you could drown in it, if you're not eating your way out then you don't deserve to live. death by deliciousness! oh god now i just want jello.
    2. "funny cashier": well, you were looking for me, obviously. HI!
    3. "gallstones and slurpee": in literature, metaphorical representations of the extremes of good and evil.
    4. "girls mexico booty": yes.
    5. "how to make fun of sydney crosby": this is an easy one. first, misspell his name. I'M SURE HE LOVES THAT! next, remind him of how he has had five goals in his last two games, including a hat trick against atlanta. THAT'LL SHOW HIM!
    6. "list of related things": uh, okay. a giant tv, powerpuff girls figurines, a flashlight, an xbox controller, an annabel lyon book, a yoga ball, a webkinz, 20000 leagues under the sea poster, some little russian doll christmas ornaments (that really came from russia!), a bottle of advil, the case for viva pinata pinata party for xbox, a dirty sock, the first season of bones on dvd (thanks, peter!) and an issue of esquire with minka kelly on the cover. THINGS I CAN SEE FROM MY COUCH, SUCKERS!
    7. "places to have sex thunder bay": uh, your house. or maybe a hotel! it's like minus fifty out there, you guys.
    8. "reasons on why you should ride roller coaster": because it's THE GREATEST THING YOU CAN DO IN LIFE. you know, other than love another person or save the planet or whatever.
    9. "song list for magic 99.9 thunder bay november 4, 2010": i've gotta tell you, even though i likely was not listening to magic 99.9 all day long on november 4, 2010, i can still tell you exactly what songs they played: that stupid fucking train song that makes me want to stab chopsticks into my eyes, FIFTY TIMES ON REPEAT, followed by nickelback. oh, then maybe that song with b.o.b. and river como. you know, river como?  he was in that band, uh, weeze something? no, seriously, that's how you say it. AT LEAST ACCORDING TO THE DJ, WHOSE ONLY JOB IN LIFE IS TO SAY THE NAMES RIGHT! AND ALSO MAYBE MAKE SOME JOKE ABOUT HOW MEN AND WOMEN ARE SO DIFFERENT, YOU GUYS. BUT MOSTLY JUST TO SAY THE NAMES RIGHT.
    10. "thing found in grocery store": "everything except the exact thing you wanted" - cory josephson's law, 2010.
    11. "tonight in thunder bay?": uh, eat a little leftover chicken pot pie, watch pvred episode of the event (worst show ever. seriously, don't watch it. people are constantly getting shot and then are fine in like two seconds. also, it's basically just a giant rip off of the dark crystal. but, like, from outer space), play some video games, write a blog post, go to bed early. nothing out of the ordinary, really. thanks for asking!
    12. "what will future roller coasters be like?": OMG, LET ME TELL YOU! in the future roller coasters will be invisible, so not only will it seem like you are just flying through the air on your own, you won't know where you are going because the track will be invisible too! and they will go so high that you will need special breathing apparatus in case you exit the atmosphere! and even though the cars are invisible, they are super comfortable, like you are sitting inside a giant ugg boot (i hate ugg boots. but they are ridiculously comfortable)! and they will go so fast and be so efficient that there will be no lines or wait times or anything, you can just get off and then get right back on and go again if you want! future rollercoasters are the bomb.
    13. "hockey perm": i'm not totally sure, but i'm going to say it would be something like this:


      sorry jagr, two stanley cups, a hart trophy, and olympic gold, and THIS is what people will remember you for.
    14. "thunder bay coney island recipe for half and half": come on, you guys, stump me! a plate of spaghetti topped with beans, coney sauce, and THE TEARS OF A THOUSAND TINY WOOD NYMPHS. that's what's in those little bottles they give you to put on top. TRUE STORY.
    15. "one internet hoax": see above. wait, what?