top ten book titles at chapters with the word "bitch" in them

1. confessions of a prairie bitch - the story of a "a wretched, scheming, selfish, lying, manipulative brat."
2. skinny bitch - "a tart-tongued, no-holds-barred wakeup call to all women who want to be thin."
3. skinny bitch: the ultimate, everyday cookbook - in which women presumably learn how to make an entire meal out of two rice crackers and a grape.
4. bitch is the new black: a memoir -  in which the author, who is "unafraid and frank," "comes to realize that being a bitch is sometimes the best way to be."
5. bitches on a budget - because "today's woman may have a dwindling stock portfolio, but that shouldn't make her bite one well-manicured nail with worry." 
6. so you wanna be a sexy bitch: raise your game from overlooked nice girl to skilled chick everyone wants to get with - a guide "filled with explicit and irreverent advice on developing the self-confidence to become a man-magnet."
7. the sexy bitch's guide to finding him, doing him, and dating him - because once you become a sexy bitch, you get your own set of "practical tips for arousing his interest (such as playing pool or standing at the bar instead of sitting at a table)."
8. why men love bitches: from doormat to dreamgirl - a woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship - for bitches who have already found him, done him and dated him, and now want to drag him around by the balls. ps, the sequels to this book are:  why men marry bitches: a woman's guide to winning her man's heart and why men divorce bitches (which you would think would be self explanatory, really).
9. beat the bitch: how to stop the other woman from stealing your man - because clearly, even though she is a wretched, scheming, selfish, lying, manipulative brat, she is also a skinny, sexy, well-manicured, unafraid and frank pool-playing man-magnet who is going to steal your poor, unsuspecting guy. but don't worry, ladies, wait around long enough and he will just divorce him all on his own.
10. bring it, bitch!: the secret life of a catfighter exposed - when simply getting your man back just isn't enough.

top ten awesome things about valleyfair!

so august 7th is going to be a big day for us over here at listophelia because we are hitting up a new amusement park: vallyfair! and yes i know that august seventh is a super long way away for me to be getting all excited about now, but i can't help it: summer hits, and i think roller coasters. doesn't everyone? either way, factor in the national show and two victoria's secrets at the moa and i swear to you that no one has ever been this excited to go to minneapolis in basically the whole history of the universe.

1. it has an exclamation mark built right into its name! and you thought i was just being overly enthusiastic.
2. wild thing, their hypercoaster, has the longest stretch of negative-g track in the world. want to know what that looks like? OF COURSE YOU DO.
   
   
   i'm not totally sure what the point of the tunnel is, and the cars look kind of old school (it was made in 1996, after all) but that first drop looks pretty amazing, especially from the front.
   
3. on saturdays in the summer, it is open until midnight! and if there is one thing i like more than roller coasters, it's roller coasters in the dark.
4. yeah, so steel venom totally sounds like derek zoolander's new look, but really it's a super badass coaster that shoots you up twin corkscrewed spires in a below-the-track car that looks pretty similar to flight deck.
   
   
   the backwards drop might be a little much for cory, but i think i can convince him.
5. they have a two person in-the-dark waterslide, which is really the only type of in-the-dark waterslide you want to ride. i mean, maybe YOU like to be in wet tunnels with strangers, but i'm not that kind of girl.
6. they have an imax theatre. which, let's face it, i'm not going to come even remotely close to setting foot in, but if you happen to have that lame friend who's all, sure, i'll come to the amusement park with you BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LIKE ANYTHING, you can send them there. and i'm sorry to tell you, if you don't HAVE that friend, you ARE that friend.
7. they have a triple drop tower that has two towers that shoot you down, and one that shoots you up. so it's basically like one hellevator and two drop zones. why they could not just have three hellevator/drop zones is beyond me. i mean, you can shoot me up and you can shoot me down. so why can't you shoot me up and shoot me down? no, don't answer that. it sounds weird.
8. they have a wooden/steel hybrid coaster that i'm kind of intrigued by. i mean, we all know how much i hate wooden coasters, but if the tubular steel track actually makes it less likely that you will want to throw yourself out of the car and over the side rather than CLANGING YOUR JAW TOGETHER ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, then maybe it won't be that bad.
9. they have this crazy thing called the xtreme swing that i may or may not be able to get cory to go on. but if i can't, i might actually have to go on myself. i know it's not a coaster or a drop tower, but holy crap.
   
   
   IT'S THE WORLD'S MOST GINORMOUS SWINGSET! i might as well have died and gone to heaven.
10. they sell deep fried oreos on a stick. SOLD!
    
    
    yum
    

top one reason i'm glad i'm not living in toronto right now

1. 
   
   

top ten random pictures on my camera

this is my lame way of saying "i missed you guys." also when i downloaded these pictures, they were too weird and random not to share. and to put into some kind of order!

1. my desk:
   
   here is a listophelia mini-guide to my desk:
   
   
   
   1. a bunch of pens that never work 
   2. my webkinz gorilla
   3. my donkey kong (i like gorillas, okay?)
   4. my old nova scotia license plate
   5. a lamp that is not plugged in
   6. a printer that doesn't work
   7. three hole punch that works but i never use and inexplicably carry around with me from place to place
   8. a bowl full of pennies
   9. a manila envelope with something important in it apparently
   10. a box of hotel soap
   and now you know me just a little bit better. you're welcome! oh, ps, i have a way better computer chair now, in case you were worried about my back.
   
2. hamburger helper:
   
   
   yeah, i don't know. i think i had an idea for a blog post that was something along the lines of "you can't trust me cause i make hamburger helper" but whatever, it's gone now. but just for the record, DON'T EVER TRUST ANYONE WHO MAKES HAMBURGER HELPER.
3. me and heather at kakabeka falls:
   
   
   story time: when heather and scott were here, en route to their new life as super hip british columbians, we naturally took them for wings, at the only place in town where you can eat wings while watching people in a hotel swimming pool. we were halfway through our six pounds of wings and pitcher of beer, watching a fat kid navigate the pool deck, when the fire alarm went off. we really didn't want to leave our food, but then they sort of made us, and really how lame would it be to be those people who died in a hotel fire cause they were eating wings? i mean, i guess i always sort of thought it MIGHT end that way for me, but just not so soon. anyway, we went outside and there were all these kids all dressed up and eventually we realized it was grade eight prom or something. then the fire trucks showed up and we talked about just taking off, but then there was firemen and little grade eight kids posing for pictures on fire trucks, and a woman who we couldn't decide if she was a teacher or a stripper so we just called her "stripper-teacher" and we got a little distracted. then it was time to go back in and when we got back our waitress was like "oh thank you for coming back cause none of my other tables did" and we were like "aww, fuck." and they didn't even give us a discount or anything! anyway, i don't have pictures of ANY of that. but i do have a picture of us at kakabeka falls, so that's what you get.
4. flowers:
   
   
   on mother's day we went to buy flowers for cory's mom and aunt and they had this deal on that was like three for twenty or something like that, so cory was all "hey, i bought you flowers!" and i was like "oh my goodness, how romantic." then i put them in water and they totally turned the water all these pretty colours, so it was like two presents in one! then they started to make me sneeze so i had to put them in the kitchen. so sad.
5. a duck:
   
   
   if you say you don't like ducks, YOU ARE PROBABLY LYING.
6. riley:
   
   
   when we're at home, riley goes crazy every time anything resembling an animal comes on the tv. when we're on the boat and cory hauls up a giant fish on his first catch and it's flapping around in the boat right in front of her head... nothing. but she looks cute sitting on her little bench, so i guess we can forgive her for her lack of killer instinct.
7. the sleeping giant:
   
   
   you see that big rock out there? that's called the sleeping giant. and let me give you a word of advice: if you ever come to thunder bay, DO NOT QUESTION THE SLEEPING GIANT. the people here will turn on you! even if you stare at it for hours like one of those optical illusion pictures and still all you see is a rock in a lake, DON'T TELL ANYONE! just smile and nod and be all "oh yeah guys i totally see a sleeping giant" and everything will be okay.
8. our attic:
   
   
   surprise! we have an attic! who knew?!
9. dinosaur finger puppets:
   
   
   so one night, possibly after the fire alarm incident, heather and i reenacted the lakers winning the nba finals with finger puppets. the details are hazy: i think that kobe was the stegosaur, and maybe one of the other dinos was rondo. but i KNOW the dino you see here, whose fate late the next night was to somehow become impaled on a mini bottle of bailey's, was the hot chick with the huge rack sitting behind the lakers bench who we decided that kobe was probably going to sleep with after the game. oh, and then one of the other ones was kobe's wife, who totally instigated a dino-puppet baller-girl cat fight. it's all coming back to me now.
10. taco salad:
    
    
    yeah, i know. i'm adorable.

things i have been doing other than blogging

1. working
2. being sick
3. having visitors
4. fishing! (okay, that was just yesterday. and i didn't catch anything, so i guess it's less "fishing" and more "sitting around in a boat holding a pole." i did get to hold the bass cory caught while his dad pulled the hook out. i think my hands STILL stink.)
5. thinking of new and awesome blog posts. promise.

top one video that also features bill

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

That's right, it's him the the suit. Also, in case you're wondering, shit gets real at 3:29. You're welcome.

the only thing that could pull me away from blur until 2:00, when warcraft comes back up

1. This is Bill.
   
2. I don't know who the other guy is but we'll call him "Steve."
   
3. Man up, twitchy! Beat Steve!
4. That's it, kick him, indeed.
   

top ten reasons blur is better than modnation racers

okay so here's a little recap for those of you who don't watch g4 24-7 (i guess there are probably a few of you): there are these two new racing games out that are basically amped up versions of mariokart (racing with power-ups). modnation racers is for the ps3 and is a kart racing game that lets you mod everything, from your kart to your little peeps to the track you're driving on. blur is for the xbox 360 and lets you drive real cars in real settings (i know, clearly my perception of "real" is a little skewed). so obviously, being a two-console family, we had to rent them both and see which one was better.

a disclaimer: i am the worst reviewer on the planet. generally i love or hate everything with blinding passion and am unable/unwilling to articulate why, because I JUST LOVE IT OR HATE IT, OKAY, GOD, STOP HARASSING ME. a lot of this has to do with the fact that the criteria i tend to use for evaluating things is ridiculously irrelevant (like, i'm trying to write a review of this book and it's a fine book and i just can't get past the fact that there is a typo on page 156. (i have serious typo issues)).

1. blur takes less time to load. LESS. TIME. TO. LOAD.
2. the blur commercial is better. although i love kevin butler, i love seeing pinky get punched in the nuts more. plus, i mean, no one can beat steve. IT JUST CAN'T BE DONE.
   
   
   beat steve!
   
   
   or, you know, beat pinky 
3. blur is for xbox 360, and xbox live is way better than ps3 whatever the hell their online component is called. plus cory's 15 year old cousin and his friends are all on xbox live and it's hilarious to watch cory get more and more annoyed with their inane conversation over the headset.
4. as fun as all that modding sounds, it takes a lot of time and effort to actually get anything out of it. i spent the first, like, hour and a half on modnation racers making my little chick look super cool (she had a shark fin on her helmet!) and it was all basically for nothing cause you can't even really see her. then after all that, i was way too worn out to care about modding the car, and who cares anyway, cause it doesn't make your car any faster. and even though cory was super excited about making a track shaped like a penis, i've gotta tell you, it was not nearly as exciting as you'd think it might be. so then i just want to race, but oh, hold on, SORRY, YOU HAVE TO WAIT. blur, it's choose track choose car VROOM VROOM VROOM. cause basically even though i'm all "whee, shark fin on the helmet!" i really just want to race.
5. you can level up in the online races in blur. you can't in modnation racers. why not? seriously, developers. everyone likes leveling up. you can unlock stuff in the career mode by finishing challenges and picking up tokens, but then how do you show off how awesome you are to all those 15 year old boys? this is the dilemma of my life.
6. using power ups with real cars is awesome. i mean, the karts in modnation racers are cool (cory made the general lee! he even googled it to make sure he had the right numbers) but we're all kind of used to blowing up cartoon-y looking karts. this is the first time i can take aim at that douche in the mustang and blow him to kingdom come (apparently before this, car manufacturers wouldn't license their cars to games where they would get blown up. because, seriously, if i saw a corolla get blown up in a game there's NO WAY I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT ONE, GOD.)
7. both games have controller-hurling-inducing ai that basically completely fucks you up just before you cross the finish line almost every time so that you feel like you WILL NEVER PLAY THAT STUPID GAME AGAIN. but only one game made cory actually never play it again. also, because blur's online play is so much more fun (you know, cause you're leveling up) then it's not shitty computer ai that's making you throw your controller, it's the douche in the mustang. who's been playing the game nonstop since it came out. so really, you just feel kind of sorry for him.
8. both games look kind of bad on our little, non-high-def tv. but there's more little stuff to look at with modnation racers (what with all the modding) so you basically end up squinting the whole time until you can't even see straight after a while. although both games make me sit forward so hard that my neck pretty much might as well be snapped in two. score one for my future chiropractor!
9. you get fun little awards at the end of each race in blur, like fastest lap or most accurate shot or most crashes. the fact that they have awards for being crappy virtually guarantees that everyone gets one! including me!
10. when you first sign back into blur, a sexy voice comes on and says "last time, on blur," and then recaps what you did last time. i'm pretty sure i need someone like that in life. like, when i wake up in the morning, the voice can be all "last time, on life of amy" and remind me of all the awesome things i did yesterday. i mean, i kind of do that myself anyway, in my head, but it would be nice to hear it out loud.

june 12, 2009 vs. june 12, 2010: a comparison

june 12, 2009:*

1. woke up and no doubt had some kind of delicious breakfast with cory and jeffy, who were in toronto for a few days.
2. drove to canada's wonderland, had an awesome day of riding roller coasters and also did not get rained on, unlike the previous day when it rained so hard while we were on the fly that i almost fell off. seriously, i was sliding around on the seat the whole time!
   
   
   that is behemoth-induced bliss. slash vertigo.
   
3. went home, ate delicious popeye's chicken for dinner.
4. went to jay's game
5. drank eleven dollar beer
6. updated our entire section on game seven of the stanley cup playoffs via various text updates from family and friends.
7. watched florida get a grand slam.
8. left the game in like the fifth inning or something
9. went to some sports bar on front street
10. watched the penguins win the stanley cup.
11. cried a little. in a good way.
12. went to another bar, got really drunk.
13. went home and passed out without even packing for our flight to thunder bay the next morning (which we totally made, by the way, ridiculous hangover and all).

*this was a very, very good day. a ridiculous day. like, the kind of day you say "omg, hey, remember that day?" and the people who were there get all misty-eyed and say "yeah, i totally do" and everyone who wasn't there gets super jealous.


june 12, 2010:*

1. woke up and went to the coney for breakfast with cory and his dad.
2. came home, played some blur.
3. went to the humane society with cory and walked bella for an hour.
4. freaked out when she pulled some kind of disgusting dead thing out of the ditch, but DIDN'T FREAK OUT AS MUCH AS YOU'D THINK I WOULD.
5. came home, had a really great shower.
6. finished some grant applications and was generally pretty productive.
7. made some delicious sesame noodles with shrimp.
8. ate some leftover cheesecake that cory's aunt dropped off the other day.
9. watched 10 items or less (which we got for free from the library), enjoyed its list-based motif.
10. watched my favourite episode of the office when jim decides not to take the job in new york and comes back and asks pam out.
11. wrote a blog post.
12. will probably play some more blur and then get into bed, which is ALREADY MADE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and maybe read a little before going to sleep.

* this day happens pretty much every saturday that i'm not working (well, minus the disgusting dead thing), and is so perfect that i pretty much can't even believe it's my life. so surprise, today wins.

top ten lists i wish i had written: adorable edition

1. i've just had my list-making ass handed to me. in crayon.
   
   
   
2. and nine more, at the huffington post.
   

top one awesome video of the day

1. ladies and gentlemen, my sister! ps, she's the one in the tank top, not the one in the cowboy hat.
   
   
   the jones girls are known for their class

things that must happen in an alternate universe, cause they sure as hell don't happen here

1. coffee makers make the amount of cups they say they are going to make - this morning, we made seven cups and got maybe two and a half. where are all these people making teeny, tiny cups of coffee? not in this universe!
2. those online surveys at the bottom of your receipt get filled out - okay, i will admit, i am the worst with receipts. even when someone is all "we will give you back every cent that you spend as long as you get a receipt" i will be like "hell yes! that is the easiest money i ever made!" and then completely forget about receipts for the rest of my life, until that person asks for it and i'm like "oh crap it's probably somewhere in the bottom of my purse all crumpled up or something, will you accept a reasonable hand drawn facsimile?" and i can honestly tell you that unless this person is actually running a cereal box contest, the answer is almost always no. so if i can't actually keep a receipt around that will give me actual, real money that i can spend on actual, real things, what makes you think i will keep one that will give me 10% off my next purchase of $40 or more between sunday and thursday on selected items after completing your seven billion page long online customer service survey? i guess maybe my grandmother might be interested, if she was still alive and knew what the internet was. otherwise, i'm going to have to go with alternate universe.
3. nickelback albums are purchased - a while back i would have instead said "nickelback's music is enjoyed," however, after extensive anthropological research (ie. working at a store that played the radio in the background constantly and which was patronized almost exclusively by middle aged women), i DO know who is enjoying nickelback's music: your mom. but the thing is, although she might like to rock out to "rock star" while she is shopping for her cranberry-scented tea lights and gushing to her bff from work about how cute and scruffy that chet kruger is, she's not actually going to stop at the hmv on her way out of the mall and pick up a copy of their latest cd. so WHO IS BUYING ALL THE GODDAMN CDS? either it's people from an alternate universe, or that chet kruger has a hell of a lot of cds sitting in his basement.
4. people buy premium gasoline - okay so basically i know nothing about cars except that i like driving them, so maybe there's this super awesome thing that happens when you use premium gasoline, like four flying unicorns swoop down and carry your car over all the traffic while sparkles fly out the exhaust pipe or something. but otherwise, hey, I TOTALLY WANT TO SPEND WAY MORE MONEY FOR EXACTLY THE SAME THING. or maybe someone in an alternate universe does, who knows.
5. jobs get found on big job sites like workopolis - okay, full disclosure: i actually found my last job on a big job site like workopolis. but i'm pretty sure that the job itself was basically in an alternate universe, so it doesn't even count. and since then, everyone's all "how'd you get that job? it sounds like it's a job from an alternate universe" and i'm all "workopolis, actually" and they're all "wow okay now it all makes sense." but please, prove me wrong: if you or a loved one have actually become gainfully employed through workopolis and genuinely believe that your job exists in this universe, please, let me know.

ten awesome things about the thunder oak cheese farm

1. they are the only farm in ontario that makes gouda.
2. if you go there on the right day, you can watch them making the cheese. if you're like us and go there on the wrong day, you can stare at all the awesome cheese-y equipment and imagine what it would look like if they were making the cheese.
3. they sell all kinds of weirdo cute scandinavian stuff. like hagelslag. what do you mean you don't know what hagelslag is?! sigh. fine:
   
   
   OMG IT'S SPRINKLES! 
4. its close proximity to the slate river cemetery, which makes it an obvious place to stop on the way home after yearly slate river cemetery maintenance day. and seriously, you guys, i maintained the hell out of that cemetery, even after A HORNET FLEW INTO MY FLIPFLOP AND STUNG THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT. i wasn't lying when i told you hornets basically want to sting me in all the weirdest places possible.
5. getting to feed the goats.
   
   
   the best 25 cents i ever borrowed from cory and spent! 
6. getting to feed the goats and then discovering that there are actually little tiny baby goats hiding in the house! seriously, you guys, BABY GOATS!
   
   
   I MEAN COME ON IT'S LICKING MY HAND! 
7. there is a giant truck in the yard that is boosted up on tractor wheels. i'm really sad i didn't get a picture, cause it was that cool!
8. free cheese samples.
9. free cheese curd samples! who knew cheese curds were so delicious!? the people who invented poutine, i suppose.
10. coming home with a big block of jalapeno gouda means delicious jalapeno polenta for supper.

things i could have done while waiting for modnation racers to load

1. got in my car
2. driven to future shop
3. bought another television
4. got back in my car
5. stopped at dairy queen for a blizzard
6. driven home
7. set up the television
8. hooked up the xbox
9. practiced nhl 2010 until i was really, really good
10. beaten cory in a best of seven series
11. called my mom to brag about it
12. had a nap
13. made a sandwich

prizes i can win in the creative arts division at the canadian lakehead exhibition

you guys, i am going to make SO MUCH MONEY this year at the cle. $101, to be exact. imagine how much i could make if i was actually good at creative arts!

1. counted cross-stitch: motto, framed - $5
2. best dressed stuffed animal - $5
3. fridge magnet: 3 different metal on a tray - $4
4. garden stepping stone, decorative - $4
5. scrapbooking: your favourite memory, 2 page layout - $4
6. recycled goods: article from recycled jeans (soiled articles disqualified) - $4
7. knitting: pet wear - $4
8. computer artwork - $6
9. christmas corner: gift wrapping- $3
10. wedding bells: bride's garter - $3
11. creative pottery: non-functional sculpture - $5
12. amateur photography: my most memorable moment (a photograph that depicts an event worthy of remembrance or that is cherished by the photographer. A typewritten explanation of twenty-five words or less which describes the memorable moment must accompany the entry) - $5
13. my fair catastrophe: any culinary blooper - $4
14. baking: breadmaker loaf - $4
15. cooking, special: macaroni and cheese casserole - $4
16. cooking, microwave: rice krispie squares - $3
17. bernardin snap lid® mason jar creative craft award: best decorative or functional homemade craft using a bernadin mason jar - $20 gift certificate plus rosette prize ribbon
18. dried arrangement: from nature's garden (dried flowers, cones, etc.) - $5
19. special descriptive class: singing in the rain (an arrangement in a boot) - $5
20. freak vegetable contest: any one specimen - $4

bonus: prizes i CAN'T win in the creative arts division at the cle. sexist, ageist jerks!

1. for men only: handmade fishing article - $5
2. senior citizen: penmanship - thought for the day, 10-15 words - $3
3. ages 18 and under: creature made from chicken bones - $4
4. ages 14 and under: decorate a hockey stick - $4
5. ages 10 and under: sunglasses cut from cardboard and decorated - $3
6. ages 8 and under: three ontario vegetables or fruits made from plasticine, neatly displayed - $3
7. ages 5 and under: six natural stones displayed in a half egg carton - $3
8. babies, girls: the longest lashes - surprise gift
9. babies, boys: the strongest grip - surprise gift

top one review of my book of the day

1. chad pelley at salty ink not only thinks i'm epic, but has named what boys like his book of the month for june. as if i even needed a reason to like june more than i already do!