things my parents let me do as a kid that, by today's standards, would have them arrested for child abuse, even though i clearly turned out okay

1. ride my bike without a helmet.
2. play soccer without shinpads.
3. sail without a lifejacket.
4. jump on trampolines with no safety nets
5. steer the car while sitting on their lap.
6. ride in the trunk of the station wagon.
7. talk to strangers.
8. play with strangers' dogs.
9. play dodgeball with a raquetball.
10. pile a dozen kids on a teeter-totter.
11. try to spin each other off the merry-go-round.
12. try to spin the swing around the top bar.
13. play "kissing girls."
14. mix everything in the kitchen together in a glass and dare each other to drink it.
15. cut up our barbies' clothes and turn them into hookers.
16. put bugs in jars and watch them die.
17. go barefoot in the city.
18. not wash our hands.
19. eat high fructose corn syrup.
20. run around the yard naked.
21. read vc andrews.
22. eat meat from a can.
23. eat tv dinners. in front of the tv.
24. watch hours of tv.
25. play video games all day, on a saturday, when it was sunny outside.
26. mix drinks.
27. spray ants with raid.
28. hang out in a room full of smokers.
29. quit piano lessons.
30. not wear sunscreen.

thanks, mom and dad. for real.

how to bake the perfect peanut butter cookie

because i know how much you guys all loved my fried bologna post...

1. make peanut butter cookie batter.
2. cook bacon.
3. try to keep other members of the household from eating all the bacon.
4. add bacon to batter.
5. ball them up.
6. make little fork criss crosses.
7. bake.
8. eat.
9. post to blog.

this.

plus this.

equals this.

my life in slurpees

so for some reason, i apparently have some deep-seated need to document every slurpee or slurpee-like beverage i have ever had. actually, i think for three reasons:

1. i only had my first slurpee a few years ago. therefore they are still pretty novel.
2. i don't have slurpees very often.
3. and when i do they are attached to some momentous occasion.

so don't be totally shocked if we're hanging out and i'm all "hey can you take my picture with this slurpee?" in fact, you should really consider it an honour.

*ps, in case you are wondering, yes, i am still typing my e's and d's with a virtual keyboard. and, yes, i AM some kind of superhero, thank you for asking.

*pps. i am also typing with my left middle finger wrapped up in kleenex and scotch tape after a horrifying broccoli-cutting accident, making me basically captain of all the superheroes.

1. vancouver, bc, july 1, 2006
   
   
   this was a huge day of firsts for me: seeing my first imax movie (the under the sea one with the little floating jellyfish), eating my first rocky mountain chocolate factory apple (tiger butter), watching my very first metallica-playing street string quartet (i think they were playing enter sandman), my first don cherry impersonator (i thought for a moment it was my first don cherry!). and, well, my first slurpee.
   
   
   cory and adrienne taught me how to layer my slurpee for the maximum flavour experience! 
it pretty much ranks up there in my top ten best days ever. true story. even though looking back, i can't believe i drank from a slurpee machine with a picture of shaw on it. damn you, shaw!
2. truro, nova scotia, july 2007
   
   
   we were on the way home the morning after my uncle's wedding (where it was so hot that my dad changed out of his dress shirt and into a tshirt before it even started) when my stepmom was all "hey let's get a slurpee" and i was all "hell yes" and then it was actually a frostee or something and i was kind of disappointed, but not really. so the crabby face in the picture is 50% hangover an 50% my dad's driving and 0% slurpee.
3. guelph, ontario, august 2007
   
   
   two days before heather and scott's wedding (or at the start of what history will remember as "the wedding gong-show"), richie, tara and i took heather to pick up her wedding dress in kitchener and do some other various random wedding-related errands (apparently there is more to weddings than just showing up and getting drunk). one of these errands involved a trip to the local nursery to pick up "a couple of plants." which meant that while i was happily drinking my dr. pepper slurpee in the front seat, this is what was going on in the backseat:
   
   
   enrique is back there somewhere, too
   after we dropped off the FUCKING JUNGLE in my backseat, i went back to heather's and topped my slurpee off with vodka and watched a bunch of episodes of my super sweet sixteen. weddings are so hard, you guys.
4. vancouver, may 2008
   
   
   for our graduation, matthew, adrienne, cory and i rocked an entire week of celebrations in vancouver, kicked off by a day at playland that was still super awesome despite the fact that the hellevator was closed, i got my ass handed to me in mini-golf, and ended up getting one of the worst burns of my life.
   
   
   tragedy, you guys
   and on the way home, while still being all "no way, guys, i'm not sunburnt!" we stopped for slurpees, obviously. then we went back to campus and drank a bunch of beer.
5. nipigon, ontario, april 2010
   
   
   so, you'd think that i would have had at least one slurpee between 2008-2010, but i really don't think i did, you guys. or maybe i just can't remember it cause i didn't take a picture. i'm kind of flaky like that (ask cory about the time i told him i had never seen deadwood and then he found the email i sent him about, yes, watching deadwood). anyway, i know you've seen this picture before, but it was a very important slurpee milestone. you see, back in 2007, cory bought a slurpee at that exact mac's, took a picture, and tagged me in it on facebook. to this day if you look on my facebook profile (and i know you do, creepers!) you will see a picture of me as a delicious nipigon slurpee. so of course i had to get one. oh, and a red bull to keep me awake for the rest of the drive to tbay.
6. thunder bay, ontario, may 27, 2010
   
   
   
   yes, this was yesterday. and YES I AM WEARING A BABY BLUE HEADBAND WE WERE PLAYING TENNIS AND I SWEAT, OKAY? also i think it looks rad. which is only part of the reason i was like "hey cory please take a picture of me with my slurpee."

daily dose of listalgia

yes, it's a poster. but it's also a list, of bands that played at the double deuce in december, 1993! which some of you might remember is around the time we started trying to sneak into the double deuce. and yes, i stole this off someone's facebook a while back, and no, i can't remember who. so if it was you, thanks!

SO. YOU. THINK. YOU. CAN. DANCE. PREMIERE: a live list

i'm sorry if you hate this show. no, really, i feel sorry for you.

1. have my prayers been answered?! is mary murphy not on this season?!
2. yep. nigel makes inappropriate comment to first dancer about her mom's possible whorishness. we're back.
3. oh look, phewf. it's a bad dancing montage. i was about to think that they were going to put everyone straight through to vegas.
4. i'm also relieved that thy haven't stopped doing that thing where right before commercial they show a teaser that makes you think that they totally hate a dancer but in reality they think he's totally brilliant. for instance:
   
   cue popular dancer from last year who almost made it.
   nigel: this sort of thing makes me really upset!
   cut to commercial. geico geckos/my friend kyle's timmy's ad.
   return from commercial, cat deely, dance, dance, dance.
   nigel: this sort of thing makes m really upset! you are totally brilliant and amazing and you have made the other judges cry!
   
   i don't actually know who they think they're fooling. oh, okay, FINE, it's me. i am a sucker for manipulative reality tv tactics.
5. i'm using the commercial break to find out who kevin pereira's girlfriend is.
6. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW, INTERNET?!
7. those dudes in the stripey shirts and the top hats are freaking me out.
8. dramatic music plus "and later, one dancer's story" equals mia michaels crying.
9. oh, good, more dudes in muscle shirts and girls in little flowy dresses throwing themselves at the floor.
10. oh, double good. dear john coming out on dvd/blu ray means more trailers means more tears.
11. is it sad that i seem to be writing more about the commercials than the actual show?
12. this may seem like a mean question, but i'm actually curious: how can you be a dance major who has danced for 15 years an still be as fat as this girl? i mean, you'd think just the strength required to throw her own weight around like that would tone her up at last a little. but what do i know? maybe those rolls are all pure muscle.
13. uh, nigel, sonja, and WHO?
14. um, please tell me who this new judge is? i must have missed something while i was looking up "fat dancers" on google. ps, don't ever look up "fat dancers" on google.
15. thank goodness for rewind. apparently it is jason gilkinson? who? now i'm going to have to google him, too. sigh.
16. he looks a little bit like one of the other hobbits in lord of the rings. you know, one of the ones that wasn't frodo or sam.
17. this ballroom dancing guy just made me vomit in my mouth a little.
18. oh, FINALLY. someone who overcame hardship because of dance. i was beginning to think they had run out of those.
19. can that tik tok song be in more commercials? PLEASE?
20. this chick is doing sexy ballroom with her dad. that is all.
21. the johnsonsville slogan is "sausage is all we do." that is all.
22. last day in miami and cat looks like she's about to make a workout video. in space.
23. i am also concerned that this chick's boobs are going to fall out of her shirt. as i am sure you all are.
24. yikes.
25. nice. a csi miami joke.
26. okay, i need to get this off my chest. I HATE THE BAD AUDITIONS. i really do. seriously, the people are either completely delusional, or they're just auditioning ironically (i mean, 123 party? really?) but either way that's not what i'm coming out for. and yeah, i know they do it on purpose because everyone else loves them and blah blah blah, but i'd rather they just SHOW ME GOOD DANCING.
27. you know how this year they're bringing back ten former contestants to partner with the new people? of course you do. well, luckily they're bringing back the chick cory likes, so i know that he'll at least watch the performance shows with me instead of running from the room screaming. now if they would just replace cat deely with brooke burke.
    

top one...uh...carnival.

She's sittin' back in the room, the lights are off, she's crying, and then my voice comes in POW!, in the middle of the night, and this is what I told her for you:

top ten things that are keeping me from being brought down

1. i finally got my very own tbpl library card!
2. i kind of sort of have a job. it's minimum wage and minimal hours and i basically work for the devil, but at least it's something!
3. i watched bandslam and it was actually kind of good in a really stupid way.
4. this weekend we're going for our volunteer orientation at the humane society, which has basically become my total reason for living.
5. for some weird reason, muchmusic is actually playing videos.
6. bacon was on sale two for one at a&p.
7. i finished editing a new story last night. it may or may not be missing some letters.
8. heather and scott will be here in less than a month!
9. no ticks in the house since my last post.
10. tickets to the national in minneapolis in august! and a cheap hotel with a pool! we're going on vacation this summer after all.

* bonus: the habs finally being eliminated from the playoffs. also, the suns tying up their series. oh, televised sporting events, where would i be without you?

top ten things that are trying to bring me down

1. my 3, e, and d key on my keyboard have inexplicably stopped working. i say "inexplicably" because i totally ran a full and thorough diagnostic that included lifting said keys with a nail file and sticking a rolled-up piece of tape under there and determining that there was nothing weird clogging them up or anything. oh, then i finished editing my story whilst copying and pasting the e's and d's in after the fact before cory told me about the on-screen keyboard, which is obviously not ideal but way better than scrolling through people's facebook statuses looking for a capital d. an in cas you wr wonring what lif looks lik without s an s, this is prtty much it. wlcom to my hll.
2. job interviews. there is nothing quite as humiliating as having to explain to a total stranger what you were thinking when you did a degree in theatre. and yes, i was actually asked that. and i mean, fair enough, i guess.
3. seeing jobs that i already applied for being re-advertised.
4. having to send riley back to cory's parents.
5. the massive rope burn on the back of my calf from riley's leash.
6. the fact that tomorrow's thursday and there's no new community.
7. blockbuster not having any copies left of alan wake.
8. the fact that no matter how much time i spend picking up pine cones off the front lawn, there are always more pine cones on the front lawn.
9. nicole scherzinger winning dancing with the stars. um, correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't she basically a professional fucking dancer!?
10. i'm pretty sure my hair is falling out. and wigs seem kind of hot.

today in list-related news

i have never done this before simply because, shockingly, there's not really much list related news out there. however:

1. firefox now has a grocery list add-on! this news is very exciting to me, as it combines three of my favourite things: lists, the food network, and the internet. well, and groceries.
2. have you bought your copy of tnq's the list issue yet? no? what the hell are you waiting for? it to get more listier? cause i don't think it could, really.
3. um, unrelated to lists, but i used a leaf blower for the first time today. i also learned that you can reverse a leaf blower and make it, like, a leaf sucker, i guess. the point is, i now know how to suck AND blow!

ticks i have known

okay, so i promise this blog is not going to go all "city-girl-moves-to-the-country" on you, where all i do is talk about learning to love nature and complain about not being able to get good sushi (but, just so you know, I REALLY CAN'T GET GOOD SUSHI), mostly because a) i'm not really a city girl and b) this isn't really the country. and also because c) you would totally miss all my posts about tv shows. i know you would.

but. BUT. i really do need to talk about ticks, because you guys, it's crazy! up until a few weeks ago, i had never seen a tick before in my life. and now i have become super intimately acquainted with several of them.



they didn't look like him AT ALL

now, with a few notable exceptions, i'm not super squeamish about bugs in the house. i have lived harmoniously with a colony of ants, survived the earwig infestation of 09, and even went so far as to purposefully attract fruit flies to feed a spider named charlotte living in the corner of my kitchen. but ticks don't just want to be in your house; they want to be in YOU. that's a more than a little disturbing, especially when your tick-spotting increases by 500% in a matter of days.

1. amy's first ever tick experience: a dialogue.
   
   amy: what's that on your stomach?
   cory: where?
   amy: there. it looks like you grew a new mole.
   cory: um, i think that's a tick.
   amy: (flicks at it) no, it's not a tick!
   cory: i think is it. look. (he lifts it with a finger, to reveal scrambling little legs.) it's a tick.
   amy: (clearly in denial) it's not a tick! not a tick!
   
   a few minutes later
   
   cory: (holding up a pair of tweezers) see, look. a tick.
   amy: (looking at the tweezers, which are holding a little squirming bug) omg, it IS a tick!
   cory: yes. a tick.
   amy: hey, i found a tick on you.
   cory: yes you did.
   amy: so what you're saying is, i kind of saved your life!
   cory: sure you did.
   
   much to cory's credit (who also had never seen a tick before), he did not freak out in the slightest. if that had been me, you probably would have had to basically sedate me before pulling it out. also, it still had some of cory's stomach in his mouth! i don't think i'll ever get that image out of my head. oh, and then we called cory's parents and tell them to check the dog, since we were out with her the day before. sure enough, there's a tick on her. SO I BASICALLY SAVED HER LIFE TOO!
2. a few days later, we are out in slate river with cory's dad and we're talking about ticks, because i am convinced that this is where cory picked his up, and cory's dad's all "it was probably just in the truck after we were here last time." so whatever, after we're finished planting trees and clearing brush and other outdoorsy, country-type things (during which time i learn to use a hack saw! and other fun adventures) we get back in the truck, and all of a sudden he's like, "oh, yeah, there's one!" and it's just crawling there on his pants. i was too busy freaking out to see what they did with it, but i think it involved some squishing and then drowning in a bottle of water.
   
   
   i don't have a picture of the tick, but i do have a picture of me with the hacksaw! 
3. by now, ticks have become the number one topic of conversation for everyone in thunder bay. and by "everyone in thunder bay," i mean cory's relatives and the folks at the coney. so i've kind of got them on my mind the morning that riley comes to stay with us. it's a good thing too, because there i am, innocently sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when i feel something tickling the top of my foot. i look down and see a tick crawling towards my toes as if he owns my whole fucking foot. i think i made a noise like "mmhfghl" as i brushed at my foot frantically and cory was just like "god, what?" cause he's pretty used to me freaking out about stuff. it wasn't until the tick was off my foot and crawling on the carpet that i was able to get the words out. then i proceeded to sit there scratching at my feet while cory got a knife and a plate and cut the fucking thing in half.
4. literally thirty seconds later, i went into the bedroom and out of the corner of my eye saw something crawling on a towel on the floor. GUESS WHAT IT WAS A TICK. at this point, i'm on the phone and also i'm totally an old hat at ticks so i pick up the towel and bring it back into the office and i basically shove it under cory's face. luckily one thing i have learned about ticks in my vast experience is that they don't move very fast, so i sit there and babysit the tick on the towel while cory goes to get the trusty knife and plate. i inform cory that from now on we are going to inspect riley for ticks before she comes in the house because she is clearly the one on whom the ticks are traveling (if you want to know how the tick inspections are going, i will tell you: not very well. i keep freaking out thinking her nipples are ticks. good thing that didn't happen with cory!)
5. i don't know if this one counts or not, but a few minutes later i go into the kitchen and i'm all WHAT'S THAT because at this point basically every little crumb or nick in the paint on the wall looks like a tick and so i bend down and look and it's a tick but it's dead. and cory swears that it was just the tick he killed a few minutes before but i don't know cause i totally saw him cut that one in half.
6. so, true story: whenever i go to a cottage or even just sleep in a bed that i know people don't sleep in very often (like my bed in toronto!) i always pull back the covers and inspect it before i get in because i have this weirdo fear of sliding my feet down under the covers and have them bitten by a spider or a scorpion or a snake or a raccoon or something. and never, in all the years i've spent pulling back the blankets, have i ever found anything in a bed. until the other night. i'm making the bed and i pull back the blanket (which riley was totally sleeping on! not to point fingers or anything) and i'm like, yeah, THAT'S A FUCKING TICK. IN MY BED. by this point, all i can do is sigh really loudly. and make cory get out the plate and knife again. and then take all the sheets off the bed and do a thorough inspection. AND THEN lie in bed thinking things are crawling all over me ps, in case you think i'm being all girlie and weird about this, take a look at this picture:

i was looking for picture of ticks for you, cause obviously i do not have the presence of mind when confronted with a tick to be all "hey i should totally get my camera!" when i came across this. yeah, it's a before and after shot, except this time it's not valerie bertinelli in a bikini, it's a TICK THAT HAS FEASTED ON 100 TIMES ITS OWN WEIGHT OF YOUR FLESH. so sweet dreams tonight, everyone. cause i might never sleep again.

top one review of my book of the day

1. not really a review, but chad pelley over at salty ink calls me "epic" and therefore is my new bff. thanks, chad!

top one sign of the apocalypse of the day

1. this is like a video made in muchmusic reality tv heaven. if there is such a horrible place.
   
   
   i think i saw this jhevon paris guy on "my own kanye west".

top ten reasons to watch legend of the seeker

so: legend of the seeker. i'm kind of obsessed. have we talked about this before? probably not, seeing as no one but me and cory actually ever watch the show. oh, and the crazy people who have donated thousands of dollars to help save the show, which abc/disney has announced it will not renew for a third season. what the hell, crazy people? i know that a few grand is enough money for me to live on pretty much until the end of time, but in television world it basically buys you nothing. i mean, i'm pretty sure that kahlan's hair budget is at least twice that. but whatever: they're dedicated. and we all know what a difference dedicated fans can make! am i right, arrested development?

i'm sorry, seeker fans. i don't really mean to belittle your cause, i really don't. you're all very noble. and i want to see a new season just as much as you do. so i'm doing my part. hey, all you people out there who have never watched legend of the seeker! you know who you are. put down your dvd copy of season two of true blood and turn on your television on saturday at 5pm. yeah, that's right, i said saturday at 5pm. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT'S A TERRIBLE TIME FOR A TV SHOW? what are you going to be doing instead? going to home depot? going to buy some wallpaper? maybe bed, bath and beyond? YOU HAVE A NICE LITTLE SATURDAY PLANNED?! oh, get over yourselves.

1. the costumes are amazing! everyone wears leather and pulls daggers out of their boots.
2. the fight scenes are also amazing. they're kind of gory without being unwatchable for those of us with a weak stomach. plus the sisters of the dark fight with crazy magic throwing stars, and the mord'sith fight with giant electric dildos.
3. kahlan's boobs are so epic they have their own fan site.
4. richard takes his shirt off in almost every episode.
   
   
   there's also quite a bit of axe-swinging. for those of you who like axes.
   
5. some day zedd might have a spell that is actually useful. i mean, the guy is a wizard of the first order and he can't figure out how to get his hands untied?!
6. so you don't have to read all the books. they're huge! and we all know how well i deal with huge books. right, mists of avalon?
7. kahlan and richard never getting to have sex means limitless seasons full of unresolved sexual tension. you hear that, abc/disney? that's a gold mine!
8. it's filmed in new zealand, so all the extras are new zealanders and it's kind of hilarious to watch them struggle with an american accent. also new zealand's kind of pretty. i mean, it's no thunder bay, but it's not bad.
9. because sometimes too much moral ambiguity can be a bad thing. deep down, i think we all just want to see a little old-fashioned good vs. evil. and on this show, the bad guys are SO BAD and the good guys are SO GOOD. it's comforting.
10. if they're not, it's because they're under some kind of magical spell. and it will be reversed by the end of the episode. zedd will obviously have nothing to do with it.

and now, a bonus: reasons cory thinks you should watch legend of the seeker:

1. because there are sexy chicks on it.
2. because bridget regan is sexy.
3. because there are sexy australian chicks on it.
4. because in season two they give bridget regan way sexier outfits.
5. because who really likes lost anyway?

ps. a huge flock of canada geese just flew overhead and honked a whole bunch! it was really cool and i know it has nothing to do with this post but i had to share. also, it's still light here and it's after 10. it's fucking weird.

notes from future me

a couple of days ago on the national post's book blog, steven heighton, who i love/admire from afar in a very awestruck, am-i-even-allowed-to-talk-about-you-on-my-blog kind of way, wrote this list of things he would tell his younger self. and, because every time i see a list that someone else has made, i immediately want to be a part of it (you know, if you think of a list as a little universe in itself, a SUPER NEATLY ORDERED world where anyone can basically just go and play god and decide who, out of all the friendly little words and phrases they know, gets to move in next door to the friendly little numbers who already live there. WHICH EVERYBODY CLEARLY DOES), i'm making my own list of notes from future me, except mine aren't all writerly like s. heighton's, cause, let's face it, why go reinvent a world that's already pretty freaking perfect (as in, if you think that there's a chance that in ten years, you're going to be steven heighton and you want some really awesome advice on how to get there, well, i'm not going to be able to tell you anything. but if you think there's a chance that in ten years, you might be an underemployed short story writer living in thunder bay... oh forget it. the analogy is dead.)

1. being blonde is not for you.
2. do not ever show anyone that draft of that novel you wrote when you were at humber. you might go through a few years where you think that going to humber was a complete waste of time, but it wasn't, because it taught you how badly you suck. which also made you get better.
3. don't leave american money around the house, no matter how bad the exchange rate is.
4. when you see that yellow light on the highway by that pueblo just north of santa fe, don't stop for it. just keep going.
5. while you're at it, don't book that flight home from boston on september 11, 2001.
6. it's also probably best to reconsider splitting that quart of cranberry vodka with heather while you're housesitting at mark and tav's.
7. don't worry about passing your classes at ubc. you'll do fine.
8. also, don't stress about going to ubc in the first place. you're going to meet three of your best friends there!
9. don't see the mist.
10. two words: face book. invent it.
11. i know it might seem counter-intuitive, but bet on the new york giants in the 2008 superbowl.
12. you know that pain in your stomach? stop being such a baby and go see a fucking doctor.
13. please start plucking your eyebrows.
14. when you're wearing that angel costume in partita, everyone can see your underwear.
15. when you leave louanne and paul's christmas party in toronto, make sure you look at the boots on your feet. only one of them is actually yours.
16. that dress you're about to wear to tova's wedding in montreal? bad idea.
17. even though it might be the pinnacle of your acting career, don't let dad go to see you in the pitchfork disney. he is not ready.
18. make sure you always have a working email address for crabs.
19. the first two times you and cory stay at the edgewater in duluth, they're going to upgrade your room. the third time they're not. you might want to spend the extra cash and avoid the disappointment.
20. that job you have a bad feeling about taking? don't take it.
21. that job you thought you hated? it wasn't as bad as you thought.
22. when you go to mexico, don't forget to put sunscreen on the tops of your feet.
23. you don't know it yet, but you're really good at making chicken parm.
24. change your atm pin number to 4 digits before you leave for the uk.
25. spend more time with nana.
26. go see that arcade fire show at the marquee.
27. that jambalaya you're about to make it going to be disgusting, and it is going to turn you off jambalaya pretty much forever. just something to think about.
28. i know it sounds COMPLETELY INSANE, but i'm telling you: write a novel about a vampire who never washes his hair who falls in love with an irritatingly surly mortal girl. YOU WILL THANK ME FOR THIS!
29. that pizza in norway is going to cost you a hundred dollars.
30. that night you spend at matthew's when you first get to toronto, make sure you know where your favourite black jacket is at all times.
31. also make sure you have your cell phone with you when you leave lindsay's 80s party.
32. come to think of it, hang onto that camera when you and jen are in that cab in amsterdam.
33. that guy in your class whose stories you fell in love with before school even started is going to turn out to be as cute as you hoped he'd be.
34. the stuff you're writing is not as good as you think it is. also, it's not as bad as you think it is.
35. i'd tell you not to give up, but i know you'd never even consider it. good work!

top two instances of history being re-written, drunkenly, by an xbox 360

so, if you've been watching the stanley cup playoffs this year and you're all WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON then obviously you're not alone. i basically say this every time i turn on the tv. so the other night after a few beers, cory and i decided to re-enact the two most dramatic game sevens of the semis on the xbox. and, because i know you guys all totally love it when i take picture of the television, here are the results:

ps, if you're a boston fan or a canucks fan, you might not want to read this post, because it will just make you super sad that xbox 360 does not equal real life (and no, we did not re-enact the penguins/habs game, thank you for asking, because i basically would have spent the whole time trying to get into a fight with mike camelleri).

1. boston vs. philly - at the beginning of the night, i was super cocky, cause i'm always super cocky at the beginning of the night, and i was all "let's re-enact the boston/philly game, and i'll be philly, and it'll be super close and dramatic just like the actual game, and then i'll win, just like the actual game!" here's what ACTUALLY happened:
   
   
   no, you're not reading that wrong. it says 14.
   so, in my defense, i just want to say that IT HAS BEEN A REALLY LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE PLAYED XBOX HOCKEY and i know it was my new year's resolution and everything but, well, i'm not going to lie you guys, it's HARD and cory's REALLY GOOD and sometimes it just TOTALLY SUCKS. but can you imagine if that was the way the game really went? i think philly would basically be kicked out of the nhl.
2. vancouver/chicago - so, suitably humbled after my humiliating defeat as philly, i decided that if we were going to achieve any sort of historical accuracy, i was going to have to be vancouver. but apparently computer luongo isn't nearly as inconsistent as real-life luongo:
   
   
   no, you're not reading that wrong. it says I WON!
   that's right... new year's resolution ACHIEVED! peace.

ps. don't ask about the next game we played, where i decided to get all cocky again and play pittsburgh against cory's capitals. i should've retired after game 2.

top ten blog posts about law and order i could have written, upon hearing the news of its impending cancellation

1. my top ten favourite law and order characters - here's something you might not know. after michael moriarty--who played the exceedingly moral and earnest ada ben stone--left the show/was fired for being BATSHIT CRAZY, he moved to halifax and kind of became a bit of an infamous local drunk. basically everyone and their brother had a story about running into moriarty at the casino or maxwell's plum or whatever and being treated to his bitter old curmudgeonly drunk man rants about life. in among the loads and loads of crazy were claims of being in political exile in canada, declarations of his intention to run for the american presidency, and threats to sue janet reno. oh, then he moved to vancouver and wrote, directed and starred in a movie called hitler meets christ.
   
   
   guess who moriarty plays?  so, was i jealous of everyone and his brother who ran into him drinking in halifax? FUCK YES. would 1-10 in my list of top ten favourite law and order characters all be "ben stone"? FUCK NO. 2-9 would be ben stone. 1 would be lenny briscoe. and 10 would be adam schiff. he was SO OLD, you guys!
2. my top top ten favourite law and order rerun time slots - this list could never be, simply because there were only two law and order rerun time slots i actually ever cared about. the first was the 2pm showing on a&e which was one of the last vestiges of the venerable mystery theatre afternoons that basically TOTALLY REINVENTED DAYTIME TV and consequently rescued me from a lifetime of soap opera oblivion and instead inaugurated me into the exciting, gritty world of television crime drama (rockford files! macmillan and wife! columbo! cagney and lacey! the one about the cowboy cop in the big city! LAW AND FREAKING ORDER!) and caused me to skip a WHOLE bunch of school. the second was the 12am showing on bravo which saved me from insanity on several hundred sleepless nights and which i was actually known for sometimes staying home on a friday night to watch instead of going to the bar with my friends (haha, and you guys just all thought i was too stoned and lazy to leave the house. it was law and order's fault, i swear!)
3. top ten law and order spinoffs that the original law and order being cancelled makes room for in nbc's schedule - you know, cause there's already so many spinoffs, it's almost like they'd make a spinoff about anything? haha, funny joke, right?
   
   
   in the thunder bay public library system, book borrowers are protected by two separate yet equally important groups: the librarians who tell you to be quiet, and the security guards who should probably kick you out for looking at inappropriate material on the public computers, but actually just spend most of their time sleeping at their desk. these are their stories.
   so yeah, i could have made a whole list of these but basically i'm just too lazy so here's the link for the generator; go make your own.
4. top ten reasons law and order was cancelled in my heart years ago - there's only one.
   
   nobody puts jerry orbach in a corner. just on the fridge!
   
5. top ten lennie briscoe one-liners - clearly there are at least seven million. blogger would explode! this is basically how it would go:
   
   this one is totally my favourite, you guys:
   
   ed green: (talking to suspect) there must be ten, fifteen grand here. where'd you get the money, bobby?
   bobby: bite me!
   briscoe: (to ed) go ahead, bite him.
   
   oh, wait, that one was good, but THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY MY REAL FAVOURITE:
   
   guy being interviewed: what, the sister? she's murdered? you're kidding me.
   briscoe: if i was kidding you, i'd be wearing a fez and no pants.
   
   WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, THIS ONE IS MY ACTUALLY REALLY REAL FAVOURITE:
   
   logan: i thought she said she hadn't spoken to her ex in over a year.
   briscoe: maybe she got her dates mixed up.
   logan: you remember the last time you talked to your ex?
   briscoe: july 17, 1994, 2:35pm.
   
   yeah i would basically go on like this all day. YOU KNOW I COULD DO IT! ps, do you want to know the real reason that lennie briscoe is especially close to my heart? because he, along with bon jovi, chicken wings and john diefenbaker, are the main reasons that heather and i became friends. i mean, how often do you meet another person who has the same favourite prime minister as you? WE'RE TOTALLY SOUL MATES.
6. top ten law and order guest appearances - i was all ready to talk about how much i always loved seeing angela from who's the boss as that judge, but then OH WAIT, THAT'S SVU. crap. so then i went over to the law and order imdb page that lists all the people who were ever on the show and now i feel even sorrier for all the television actors out there because holy crap, law and order basically gave everyone and their puppy a job. seriously, i'm guessing if you are a tv actor living in new york and haven't played "shooting victim number three" or "female paramedic" or something, then i think you can safely pack it in and start selling magazine subscriptions or something instead, because you suck. i mean, even my favourite friend joey had a turn on law and order, even though he never made it out of the body bag. so instead of going through that huge list, or talking about ellen pompeo and how super amazing she was on that one episode, here's a list from cracked of the seven most awkward law and order guest appearances. you're welcome.
7. top ten jack mccoy cross examinations that won otherwise basically unwinnable cases - well, clearly there's only one of those that really matters:
   
   
   what do you mean, that's not law and order?
   okay, fine, so that was a bit of a fail. but jack mccoy really was good at cross-examining. just take my word for it.
8. top ten completely egregious legal mistakes made on law and order over the years - haha, fooled you! i don't even know what "egregious" means, unless it means "looking like a cute baby eagle!" also, i don't know anything about the law (how i've stayed out of jail all these years, i will never know). but i'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that anyone who does know anything about the law could point out at least one or two things they slipped in there to make their lives easier, like having the judge be all "this suspect has a mustache, which clearly violates section 3.75.2 section 13 subsection b of the penal code, which states that you cannot properly mirandize a suspect with a mustache. therefore i have no choice but to declare a mistrial. you are free to go, mr. mustachioed serial baby killer." hahaha... like there's any such thing as a "penal code."
9. top ten shocking law and order exit stories - the more i think about this, the more i realize everyone had a pretty shocking exit story. i mean, sure, the deaths are always crazy: claire kincaid getting schmucked by a car, alex borgia being chopped up and left in that trunk, max greavy being shot outside his house. but to me, the most shocking exit would have to be serena southerlyn's. so, after a bunch of episodes building up to the fact that serena is just way too soft and sparkly to be an ada, we finally see her getting fired by da branch for basically having an opinion that was different than his and mccoy's, she sits there staring at him for a minute and says this: IS IT BECAUSE I'M A LESBIAN?
   
   
   no, elisabeth rohm. it's because you're blonde.
   i mean, why not just randomly throw that in there after NEVER HAVING ANY MENTION OR ALLUSION TO IT AT ANY POINT IN THE SERIES PREVIOUS TO THIS? the best part is when branch just kind of stares at her and is like, "uh, no?" so yeah, most shocking. well, that and jesse l. martin leaving the show to do rent. that was also pretty shocking.
   
10. top ten jewel-toned cardigans worn by ada alex borgia - this would have been an awesome list topic, except for the fact that the internets seem to have forgotten all about poor annie parisse. but take it from me, a jewel-toned cardigan lover, she did have THE BEST JEWEL-TONED CARDIGANS EVER. you know, before being chopped up and left in the trunk of a car. too bad those cardigans weren't machete-proof.

top one awesome tbpl moment of the day

so, you all know how much i love the thunder bay public library. or maybe you don't, in which case please let me enlighten you. I LOVE THE THUNDER BAY PUBLIC LIBRARY. they've let me keep the mists of avalon for about three hundred years (more on that later), they have the oddest assortment of movies EVER, and an even odder assortment of people. like, remember before when cory was all "this might be the year i don't see a nordics jacket"? he only said that because HE HADN'T BEEN TO THE THUNDER BAY PUBLIC LIBRARY YET. he also clearly had never spent much time browsing their amazing collection of brochures, otherwise his curly little grammar-nazi head might have exploded.

i only make fun because i love

 

top ten reasons my blog looks different

1. uh, BECAUSE I CHANGED IT? god.
2. i'm sorry you guys, i didn't mean to snap at you. i'm just going through a tough time right now.
3. no, i don't want to talk about it, thanks.
4. okay, fine. you know how sometimes after you break up with someone you go out and chop off all your hair or get a perm or whatever, just because you can't stand to look at your old, pre-break-up hair? well, that's sort of how i felt about pre-PENS-LOSING-TO-THE-FUCKING-HABS listophelia. it had to go. there were just too many memories. 
5. what do you mean, everything's going to be okay? HOW IS IT GOING TO BE OKAY?! IT'S THE FUCKING HABS!
6. crap. i'm sorry again. really. don't listen to me. i just need some space right now, that's all. i'll be fine, i promise.
7. oh, wait, also: you know the worst part about the post-breakup-haircut? it almost always looks hideous. and even though no one ever tells you, deep down you KNOW how bad it really looks.
8. but you guys would tell me if it looked stupid, right?
9. i need a bubble bath and a stiff drink.
10. i know this isn't even a real list. deal with it.

things i think are funny

1. people who say "liberry"
2. pickles
3. people randomly breaking into song in television and film (well, in real life, too, but that rarely ever happens) (actually, i take that back. there are a few people in my life who do this all the time. you know who you are HEATHER AND RICHIE).
4. ducks
5. ralph wiggum
6. the geico gecko
7. bumpits
8. betty white on saturday night live
9. embarrassing pictures of my little sister
   
   
   don't be mad, erin. there were way worse ones i could have chosen.
   
10. the intro music to the thunder bay news hour (seriously. it sounds like it was ripped straight from a super nintendo game in 1993)
11. mockumentaries 
12. songs about terriers
13. mockumentaries featuring songs about terriers
14. popped collars
15. spirit fingers
16. jazz hands
    
    
    yeah, you'd better be cautious of jazz hands! 
17. danny pudi
18. dinosaur comics
19. will ferrell
20. handlebar mustaches
21. the word "kakabeka"
22. dance-offs
23. people who walk without moving their arms
24. titanic in 30 seconds re-enacted by bunnies
25. the hippos at the toronto zoo
    
    

bonus: THINGS OTHER PEOPLE THINK ARE FUNNY THAT I DO NOT THINK ARE FUNNY AT ALL

1. that scene in team america: world police where the guy vomits for like ten hours
2. talking babies

job hunting: pros and cons

if you've been all "hey, i'm sensing there's been a distinct lack of creativity around listophelia lately," don't worry, i'm not dying or anything, i've just been job hunting and IT'S BEEN SUCKING MY SOUL DIRECTLY OUT OF MY BODY. that's all, no biggie. but watch me, I WILL FIND SOME PROS IF IT KILLS ME.

ps, if you're a potential person who wants to hire me and you're snooping around the interwebs to see if i'm secretly a bondage freak or a habs fan or whatever, please don't get the wrong idea. i want to work, i love to work, i live to work. it's just that finding work makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs with chopsticks. dirty ones. gnawed on by rats.

pros:

1. you get to wear cute interview clothes.
2. interviewers are generally always more poorly dressed than you are.
3. you get to check out all kinds of different office decors.
4. walking around malls looking for help wanted signs provides ample opportunity to window shop.
5. you get to fill out application forms.
6. all those probing interview questions really help you to effectively evaluate your future career goals.
7. as long as you still have interviews lined up, you are still one step away from posting naked pictures of yourself on craigslist (NO OFFENSE IF THAT'S YOUR JOB! it's just not for me).

cons:

1. printing out resumes uses up all your printer ink.
2. you don't have a job, and therefore cannot buy more printer ink.
3. internet job banks have more ads for work-at-home "data entry" jobs than actual jobs that will pay you actual wages.
4. you have to figure out different, non-money-related ways to answer the question "why do you want a job?" even though both you and the interviewer know perfectly well that the answer is always "money."
5. the application forms usually have only one tiny space for "university degree received," if they have any space at all, and writing in the margins looks unprofessional.
6. you can only find so many different ways to say "superior customer service skills" in emails.
7. your references are getting pretty sick of all those phone calls from teenaged old navy assistant managers. may start saying bad things about you to said teenaged old navy assistant managers.
8. you're job hunting.

things i will do now that i have a slap chop

1. be in a great mood all day
2. slap my troubles away
3. stop having a boring tuna
4. stop having a boring life
5. stop throwing my money away
6. eat more garlic
7. not cry anymore
8. make america skinny again, one slap at a time

bonus: things i will do now that i have a graty

1. turn all my cheese into one squishy, unappetizing lump
2. throw graty across kitchen in anger
3. put graty back in cupboard and glare at it every time i go in there

step one to roflcon

SCENE - HOUSE, WATCHING HOCKEY

Amy - "Soupy?" Who are they talking about?
Me - Brian Campbell.
Amy - I need a nickname like that. People could call me.... [Amy screws up her face in concentration, then brightens] "Insurance!"
Me - ....
Amy -....no, wait! "Soda!" They could call me "Soda!"
Me - Too late, Insurance.
Amy - SODA! SODAAAAA!

ten ways for me to get to roflcon

yeah, that's right: i said roflcon. it's a convention for internet memes and the people who, uh, share them... AND I WANT TO GO! i mean, all my favourite internet people were there (including, apparently, mark little from the super hilarious halifax comedy troupe picnicface who you should totally check out if you ever get a chance because you will pee your pants). but meeting internet celebrities is not the real reason i want to go to roflcon. i want to go to roflcon because i want to BE one of those internet celebrities!  i want seven million hits on my video and nasty trolls leaving me mean comments and kevin pereira making fun of me on aots. i just have to come up with something meme-worthy. which is totally cool, cause i'm so full of awesome ideas, you guys don't even know.

1. do a stop-motion animated version of the big lebowski using only my powerpuff girls figurines and my little plastic donkey kong as the dude.
2. take cory to the dentist and hope he does something funny.
3. a website featuring pictures of things that look like penises. well, fuck. someone already did that. then start a website featuring pictures of things that look like... oh, i don't know, ducks.
4. film online cooking show which features me, after a few beers, coming up with recipes just using the crap that's in the cupboard after a week of being too lazy to go grocery shopping. call it "making do."
5. somehow get riley to hump rocko (maybe a few tequila shots?) film it in slow motion and edit it together with clips from the video for "make love in this club."
   
   
   right? RIGHT? yeah, i knew it. 
6. two words: shakespeare autotune.
7. rewrite all the chuck norris facts so they're about betty white. "there is no such thing as global warming. betty white got cold, so she turned up the sun."
8. replace all the commentary in hockey games with nature video narration. alternatively, replace all commentary in football games with soundtrack from gay porn.
9. shoot passers-by in the nuts with the nerf bow and arrow. everyone loves nut shots!
10. film cory's parents trying to figure out how to use their new pvr. and then film the inevitable ensuing mass gouging-of-own-eyes-with-chopsticks.

the twenty emotional stages of shattered city

so the other day at the super awesome thunder bay public library cory found a copy of shattered city (random, right? like, they should just have seven hundred copies of morning in the northwest or whatever). and was all, hey, we should get this, it'll totally make you feel like home! this probably has nothing to do with the fact that he wanted to see if i was serious when i said i knew EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW about the halifax explosion, seeing as that's all we learned about in school for fifteen years (well, that and the expulsion of the acadians. have they ever made a movie of evangeline? cause i bet he'll want to watch that next). so whatever, i'm like, cool, cause i do totally remember when they were making it but i never actually watched it, and i thought at least we could watch it in fast forward and be all like, hey, i know that person! or, look, it's the citadel! whatever.

so we pop it in the xbox and start watching. watch, watch, watch. then cory looks at the back and as soon as he reads "an epic, three-hour production" he basically bails and i'm stuck talking to myself for two hours and forty five minutes and storing it all up to tell you about. now, off to watch the special features. there's a morse code translator! and hopefully a bad maritime accent translator.

1. hey, i know that person! hey, there's the citadel! hey look, it's shawn duggan! hey, that chick looks like molly parker! whee! this is fun!
2. it it explosion time yet?
3. hey, why is there some german spy guy planning to blow up the ships? that's not how it happened! why would they try to make it seem like the germans blew the ship up when everyone KNOWS that's not how it happened?
4. really? it's still two days until the explosion?
5. hey, it's vince coleman, dispatcher! i already know what happens in this part.
   
   
   he doesn't have a mustache in the movie. so much for historical accuracy. 
6. holy crap, WILL THIS SHIP EVER FUCKING EXPLODE?
7. oh. shit.
8. BOOM.
9. tears
10. tears
11. sniffles
12. tears
13. THANK YOU SO MUCH, SAD MOVIE IN DISGUISE!
14. tears
15. tears
16. OMG eww gross
17. tears
18. um... courtroom drama?
19. wait, what happened with the whole german spy guy plot? oh right. NOTHING.
20. sniffles

six "six clicks to jesus"

remember how a while back i told you about how i was going to the darwin's bastards launch (wait... was that seriously only two weeks ago?!) anyway, yay book launch, and yay matthew j. trafford for introducing us all to the fun game "six clicks to jesus."



matthew, i wish you dressed up like darwin EVERY DAY!

here are the rules: go to wikipedia, click on "random article," and then try to make it to the jesus article in six clicks. and if you're wondering what this game has to do with anything, you'll just have to buy the book and find out. ps. it's harder than it sounds. especially since i was trying to get to jesus in exactly six clicks. for instance, on my first try, this is what happened:

qarna to kurds to (and i could have ended it all here and gone to "christianity," but then i'm like, if i finish in less than six clicks, do i lose? sigh.) a time for drunken horses to cannes film festival to prize of the ecumenical jury to... well, crap. does jesus of montreal count!? fail.

don't worry, though. i practiced and got really, really good. i used to kick ass at deniro, back in the day.

1. infante enrique of castile to battle of tagliacozzo to dante aligheri to liturgy to catholic mass to jesus.
2. social perception to cognitive science to artificial intelligence to frankenstein to adam to jesus.
3. le geant de la gaffe to franquin to anti-hero to counter-culture to the beatles to jesus.
4. yamato station to sagami railway to pacific war to scorched earth to armenians to jesus.
5. 1924 world series to minnesota twins to aneheim angels to walt disney company to dogma to jesus.
6. list of kim possible episodes to adam west to 30 rock to nbc to biblical magi to jesus.

top five giant statues between toronto and thunder bay (some of which cory pretended to pee on)

1. giant nickel, sudbury:
   
   
   
2. giant roberta bondar head, sault ste marie:
   
   
   
3. giant canada goose, wawa:
   
   
   
4. giant winnie the pooh, white river:
   
   
   
5. giant quad runner, manitouwadge: