top ten things i hate about christmas

okay look, before you run away in disgust, i totally love christmas and in a day or so i will totally be over it and back in love with the holidays, but retail at christmas is hard, you guys, and some days you just feel like crawling in a hole and going "lalalalala" for about an hour (trust me, i actually do this at work sometimes: bend down behind the counter to "check" the printer in its little cubby, when in reality i'm just trying to take a fucking moment. i now find the smell of toner oddly soothing.) i totally promise that a) i will get all the negativity out of my system right now and b) i will balance it out with a "things i LOVE about christmas" post in the next couple of days. but right now you guys HOLY FUCK HERE ARE THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

1. people who finish their christmas shopping in october and are totally smug about it.
2. people who do their christmas shopping at normal person times and are totally stressed about it ("OMG i can't believe there's only 15 shopping days left before christmas!" DO YOU REALLY NEED MORE THAN 15 SHOPPING DAYS?)
3. the fact that over the holidays, every single post on foodgawker is about baking cookies. people still need to eat regular food over the holidays! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE CANNOT SUBSIST ON CANDY CANES AND GINGERBREAD MEN.
4. grumpy shoppers. WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS CHEER? holy crap.
5. sick shoppers sneezing on you and getting you sick for your only day off between now and christmas.
6. christmas carols that start at the beginning of november and PLAY ON REPEAT FOR HOURS ON END.
7. people buying a whole bunch of junk for people they don't care about. for serious. junk. not even thoughtful junk, just JUNK. they're called GIFT CARDS, people. or better yet, CHARITABLE DONATIONS. i mean, they may not be the most popular gift, but no one is going to call you out for giving to the spca or something instead of buying them a scented snowman candle, and your money will go way further. they might secretly hate you, but only on the inside! and maybe they'd appreciate it when they have to find a place to store that scented snowman candle come january.
8. work secret santa. like, theoretically, if you all work together you all make the same amount of money. but this never seems to be the case. and that twenty dollar limit that might be pocket change for you is really a hell of a lot of money to me, dollar for dollar. especially if i'm just going to have to spend it on junk for someone i don't care about.
9. that chick in that homesense commercial who gives her girlfriend an ugly-ass vase and she's all "ooh i love it" and her other friend is like "uh i thought we had a twenty dollar limit" and she's like "we did" and she's SO SUPER SMUG about BUYING JUNK that she PROBABLY BOUGHT IN OCTOBER. she basically encapsulates it all.
10. puking on tv. okay, so this isn't christmasey or anything, but i've been noticing a lot more of this lately, so much so i think it's a bit of an epidemic and IT HAS TO BE STOPPED. i know there are people out there who think that vomiting is funny but SOME PEOPLE--i'm not naming names or anything--have very low tolerance for this sort of thing. SOME PEOPLE might just vomit every time they see, hear, or think about vomiting. in fact, SOME PEOPLE might just start associating your show, your face, or even your name with vomiting. so just bear that in mind next time you write a vomit scene. and jonah hill, if i ever meet you i promise i will throw up all over your shoes.

okay, end stormclouds. begin sparkles!