fifteen internet searches that brought people to my blog, answered by me

so sometimes, on occasion, once in a while, when i'm super bored, i check out google analytics. i CERTAINLY DO NOT check it obsessively all the time or anything. but sometimes when i am just dropping by there innocently once in a while it makes me feel sorry for all the internet searchers out there who end up at my blog when they are just trying to find out what that line from elf is or want to see naked pictures of some other chick called amy jones (at least, that's what i'm choosing to believe). INTERNET SEARCHING IS TOUGH YOU GUYS. so i thought i would help out all those lonely googlers out there with some answers to their most pressing and important searches. that's right, it's time for another installment of AMY JONES SAVES THE INTERNET! (okay, fine, the only installment. god you guys are so literal).

1. "most irrational fear": i'm going to go with fear of jello. cause even though it's technically possible that you could drown in it, if you're not eating your way out then you don't deserve to live. death by deliciousness! oh god now i just want jello.
2. "funny cashier": well, you were looking for me, obviously. HI!
3. "gallstones and slurpee": in literature, metaphorical representations of the extremes of good and evil.
4. "girls mexico booty": yes.
5. "how to make fun of sydney crosby": this is an easy one. first, misspell his name. I'M SURE HE LOVES THAT! next, remind him of how he has had five goals in his last two games, including a hat trick against atlanta. THAT'LL SHOW HIM!
6. "list of related things": uh, okay. a giant tv, powerpuff girls figurines, a flashlight, an xbox controller, an annabel lyon book, a yoga ball, a webkinz, 20000 leagues under the sea poster, some little russian doll christmas ornaments (that really came from russia!), a bottle of advil, the case for viva pinata pinata party for xbox, a dirty sock, the first season of bones on dvd (thanks, peter!) and an issue of esquire with minka kelly on the cover. THINGS I CAN SEE FROM MY COUCH, SUCKERS!
7. "places to have sex thunder bay": uh, your house. or maybe a hotel! it's like minus fifty out there, you guys.
8. "reasons on why you should ride roller coaster": because it's THE GREATEST THING YOU CAN DO IN LIFE. you know, other than love another person or save the planet or whatever.
9. "song list for magic 99.9 thunder bay november 4, 2010": i've gotta tell you, even though i likely was not listening to magic 99.9 all day long on november 4, 2010, i can still tell you exactly what songs they played: that stupid fucking train song that makes me want to stab chopsticks into my eyes, FIFTY TIMES ON REPEAT, followed by nickelback. oh, then maybe that song with b.o.b. and river como. you know, river como?  he was in that band, uh, weeze something? no, seriously, that's how you say it. AT LEAST ACCORDING TO THE DJ, WHOSE ONLY JOB IN LIFE IS TO SAY THE NAMES RIGHT! AND ALSO MAYBE MAKE SOME JOKE ABOUT HOW MEN AND WOMEN ARE SO DIFFERENT, YOU GUYS. BUT MOSTLY JUST TO SAY THE NAMES RIGHT.
10. "thing found in grocery store": "everything except the exact thing you wanted" - cory josephson's law, 2010.
11. "tonight in thunder bay?": uh, eat a little leftover chicken pot pie, watch pvred episode of the event (worst show ever. seriously, don't watch it. people are constantly getting shot and then are fine in like two seconds. also, it's basically just a giant rip off of the dark crystal. but, like, from outer space), play some video games, write a blog post, go to bed early. nothing out of the ordinary, really. thanks for asking!
12. "what will future roller coasters be like?": OMG, LET ME TELL YOU! in the future roller coasters will be invisible, so not only will it seem like you are just flying through the air on your own, you won't know where you are going because the track will be invisible too! and they will go so high that you will need special breathing apparatus in case you exit the atmosphere! and even though the cars are invisible, they are super comfortable, like you are sitting inside a giant ugg boot (i hate ugg boots. but they are ridiculously comfortable)! and they will go so fast and be so efficient that there will be no lines or wait times or anything, you can just get off and then get right back on and go again if you want! future rollercoasters are the bomb.
13. "hockey perm": i'm not totally sure, but i'm going to say it would be something like this:
    
    
    sorry jagr, two stanley cups, a hart trophy, and olympic gold, and THIS is what people will remember you for.
14. "thunder bay coney island recipe for half and half": come on, you guys, stump me! a plate of spaghetti topped with beans, coney sauce, and THE TEARS OF A THOUSAND TINY WOOD NYMPHS. that's what's in those little bottles they give you to put on top. TRUE STORY.
15. "one internet hoax": see above. wait, what?