for years, the people on television have been telling me you have an obesity problem. i've seen your jenny craig commercials and your half-tonne teenagers and your biggest losers (well, actually, i haven't... but my pvr guide button tells me they are out there). and now, i understand why. america, STOP MAKING SUCH DELICIOUS JUNK FOOD! and while you're at it, you can also nix the unlimited pasta bowls and all-you-can-eat buffets and ridiculously ginormous restaurant portions. seriously, on my way back from visiting your lovely country, i was basically scared the border guards weren't going to let me back into canada without declaring the TWENTY POUNDS I GAINED FROM EATING YOUR FUCKING FOOD. so unless you want me stuck in your country forever, riding around on a motorized scooter and buying two seats on an airplane, please, for the love of god, learn how to make a salad. and preferably one without bacon and blue cheese.
- olive garden - remember when i said i wished we had an olive garden? well, i take it back, because if there was one in thunder bay, i would eat there every day and die and my death would be declared a suicide because i would still be stuffing breadsticks down my throat while my internal organs were shutting down. this time, it was cory's birthday lunch so it was a special occasion, and we had two bowls of salad and like, five breadsticks and some crazy sugary drinks before our pasta even made it to the table. then we walked around the mall like two roly-poly carb-balls and moaned a lot. but it was worth it!
- blackwoods grill - we eat at blackwoods pretty much every time we are in duluth, mostly because their burgers are amazing and come with waffle fries, but also because they have curbside pick up and they are right across the street from our hotel (we always stay at the same hotel in duluth because, duh, it has an indoor water park). and even though we were still super full from olive garden, we couldn't not order from blackwoods. and so went burger numbers one and two, eaten on the hotel bed while watching shark week. yay, america!
- icees - icees are the greatest cold drinks ever in the history of the world. even better than slurpees, and you know i would not say something like that lightly. we got to have two totally different and yet totally delicious icees:
wild cherry pepsi icee at target
yard of cherry-lemonade icee at valleyfair!
we forgot to bring that yard back to valleyfair! when we went back to get a refill, but it was okay filled up with ice and water when we got home and were totally dehydrated, you know, from the pounds and pounds of sugar in those icees.
- white castle - look at my white castle castle!
empty, of course
okay, so it's not all that impressive, but neither are the little burgers, when you first look at them. and neither, come to think of it, is the white castle in hinckley, which is actually in a gas station, and has no seats other than a little counter with, like, four stools crammed in next to the garbage can. also, we basically ate the burgers too fast to take a picture. but the little orange ones were cheeseburgers, and the little blue ones were jalapeno cheeseburgers. we also had a cherry coke.!
- chipotle - i first heard of chipotle when i read about it in newsweek. okay, fine, when i read about it on newsweek's website when i was searching the internet for the best celebrity feuds of the decade or whatever for my best of the best ofs list. then i basically forgot all about it until we got to the mall of america and we were sort of hungry but sort of not but knew that we had to eat something before the national show (did i mention we went to the national show?) and then like a beacon of light on the other side of the food court, there was chipotle.
and all the bags say something different! just like taco bell hot sauce!
yeah, so it's locally sourced and sustainable and blah blah blah, but it's also delicious (huh, who knew?) and the burritos are gigantic. i didn't even finish mine! i did bring it back to the hotel and put it in the fridge with the idea that i would eat the rest later when i was all hungry and drunk after the show, but when we got back we just basically passed out (while watching shark week) (and then i woke up in the middle of the night to turn the a/c back on, i accidentally turned the heat on instead and it set the fire alarm off. true story!) and so it stayed in the fridge and made the hotel room smell like burrito every time we opened the door to get a drink, which was actually pretty nice and makes me think that glade should totally market "burrito" as a plug-in flavour. ahem, anyway. mmm, chipotle.
- waffle bar - so apparently, waffle bars are a thing. at least, they are a thing at hotels in the states or possibly even in canada, when they want to have more than a continental breakfast but they don't want to cook you eggs and bacon. there's this little batter dispenser that puts just enough batter in your little cup, and then you dump the contents of said cup into a little waffle iron and close it, then flip it over and it times you for 3 minutes or whatever, then you open it up to waffle-y goodness. so i made two of them and came back to the table and was all "OMG CORY I JUST MADE YOU DELICIOUS WAFFLES YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!" and cory was like "uh, yeah, i've made waffles in hotels before" all cool and everything as if making your own waffles at a hotel was not even a big deal. whatever. i should have eaten his fucking waffle.
- fair food - so you all know that i am basically obsessed with roller coasters, and this is the number one thing i love about theme parks. well, here's a secret: the number two thing i love about theme parks is fair food. here is a mini list of all the things we ate at valley fair:
pronto pups, which are basically just like pogos!
deep fried cheese curds!
pork chop on a stick!
fries and cheese sauce!
i know it's so disgusting that we ate all that stuff (and so sad that i never actually ate a deep fried oreo cookie on a stick, after all the hype. there were just SO MANY THINGS ON STICKS!) but seriously, you guys, i did it all for you.
- oak city - so after we were at valleyfair! for like, seven hours, we decided to go back to the hotel for a couple of hours and dump all our water park stuff and come back and ride roller coasters in the dark. and we were all like, yay, red robin, red robin! and then we got back to the hotel and fell asleep on the bed while watching shark week (THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING ON VACATION DURING SHARK WEEK!) and then woke up and were like, uh, red... robin? but then there was this restaurant in the bottom of the building across the street and we looked at the menu and they had burgers so we were like, sold!
so the burger was pretty good, and it came with homemade pickles which were totally delicious, but the waiter was really mean to us (cory thinks it was because he read us all the specials and we didn't order any of them; i think it was because we only ordered burgers and no booze) and he basically screwed up our order and then totally ignored us, and so for the first time ever in the history of my life we left no tip and i'm a little scared that tip karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass but for reals he totally deserved it.
- sonic - so right before we fell asleep watching shark week, i went on the sonic website because i remembered seeing a billboard for one in camebridge and thought that maybe we could stop on the way home. but when i looked on the website it looked like it was fifteen minutes or so off the highway so i was like, oh well, forget it, and was sad. so the next day we were leaving our hotel and heading to ikea along a side road next to the interstate when all of a sudden THERE WAS A SONIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! apparently i am not as good at the internet as i thought i was. and so we drove in and it totally was a no-pressure order situation and a boy on roller blades brought a burger out to our car.
i am SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!
- kfc double down - yes. we did. and yes. it was delicious.
chicken, bacon and cheese without all that pesky bun
oh, you guys, i'm getting all teary just thinking about it. although that might just be grease leaking out of my eyeballs. sigh.