Tuesday, February 16, 2010

top five olympic fails (so far)

so it's the olympics. you kind of expect things to go wrong. of course, you always hope they are all funny, face-plant-slash-wardrobe-malfunction-y and not as horribly tragic as the events on the luge track even before the opening ceremonies had even begun. it sort of puts all the other accidents and mishaps into perspective. maybe even lets us laugh a little? although let's face it, i would have anyway.
  1. the mechanical arm malfunctions at the opening ceremonies - i loved the opening ceremonies (i even skipped playing 1 vs 100 in order to watch the whole thing) from the flying little girl to the epic donald sutherland voiceover to the giant inflatable polar bear (even the fiddle section, oddly, gave me shivers, which those of you who know me know is very weird considering my deeply-held beliefs about fiddles. could it be possible that, as a maritimer, it is so culturally engrained in my psyche that i will always have an involuntary visceral reaction to seeing ashley mcisaac stomping his foot to "devil in the kitchen"? is this really the thread tying me to my roots, whether i like it or not? or just clancy's withdrawal?). but i was really mostly psyched to see who they chose as the final torchbearer. i mean, we all knew that it was going to be wayne, even though he and walter tried to play it off, but i really just wanted to see it happen, just to remind the whole world that hey, he was ours first. and i was super psyched and surprised (although i guess i shouldn't have been!) to see steve nash out there before him. it was actually while watching the expression on steve nash's face that i realized something was kind of wrong with the second set of poles they were erecting (don't even get me started on the first ones, you know, those totems, which were, seriously, the most phallic things ever. well, until they started raising their arms, which were like phallic-symbols-within-phallic-symbols. it's phallic symbols all the way down!) i even said out loud, "steve nash, why do you look so confused?" then lloyd explained to us that they were having some mechanical problems with erecting the second set of poles (they should have invested in a fluffer... okay, last one, i promise). it was so tense! and yet so funny to watch him holding that polite, good-guy, league-assist-leader smile, knowing he's standing there thinking "HOLY FUCK WHAT DO I DO?!" although it wasn't quite as funny as watching wayne gretzky waiting to get out the airlock at bc place. apparently even the great one isn't immune to the rules of physics.
  2. korean speed skater vs. korean speed skater - it was also pretty tense for the few moments that it looked like korea was going to sweep the men's 1500 short track speed skating final, knocking not only canadian olivier jean out of medal contention, but also the american superstar speed skater apolo anton ohno. but then, in a shocking display of speedskater on speedskater violence, lee ho-suk and sung si-bak took each other out fairly spectacularly. olivier jean didn't end up winning a medal, but came in fourth, which seems to be the canadian way. and fourth is way better than slamming into the boards all tangled up with a teammate. i mean, in speedskating.
  3. american mogul skier vs. the flag - i might have mentioned that we cheered pretty hard when alexandre bilodeau won the first gold medal for canada (putting to rest forever the announcer-favourite phrase "first gold medal on canadian soil," thank goodness). but we shouted nearly as loudly when poor patrick deneen wiped out, recovered slightly, only to pitch head first into one of the flags.

    it's even better in slow motion!

    i would have felt way worse for him, but i was already kind of mad at the americans for beating jenn heil the night before, and, i mean, come on, as long as everyone's okay, who doesn't like a spectacular wipeout like that one? it's basically what youtube was invented for.
  4. nbc mistaking terry fox for michael j. fox - not all olympic failures come from the athletes.

    matt lauer and meredith viera: super-geniuses!

    so, here's my understanding of what happens. they're talking about betty fox as a potential final torch bearer. betty fox, the mother of michael fox, who ran the marathon of hope. then they show a picture of terry fox. then they show a picture of michael j. fox. then they eat some smores.
  5. kd lang's pantsuit - i don't think anything has been more controversial this olympic season than the pantsuit kd lang wore during the opening ceremonies while she sang "hallelujah". i don't know. i think she looks handsome.

    and just think. cindy crawford got to shave her!

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