live list number two: top ten reasons why i would make a terrible miss america judge

this list was originally going to be called "top ten reasons why i would make a terrible miss america." but besides the fact that, you know, i'm not american, i'm sorry, i would make a fabulous miss america. i mean, i basically live in heels and a bikini, sleep in evening wear, and can rock a vaseline smile with the best of them. plus, you guys, i was totally born to wear a crown. why does no one recognize this?!

1. i would immediately disqualify miss indiana for saying "the job of miss america is to make everyone around them feel special."
2. i would want to just spend the whole time backstage with clinton kelly making fun of the contestant's evening gowns (only after tying him down and making him shave that beard. i mean, seriously, how did stacy let him out in public looking like that?!)
3. i'd get in trouble for constantly referring to mario lopez as slater.
4. i'd also get in trouble for punching rush limbaugh in his smug little face.
5. i don't think any of the girls look particularly amazing in their bathing suits. didn't anyone see the behind the scenes special that was on right before?! (no? that was just me?) miss puerto rico rocked that two-piece (in fact, i'm pretty sure i heard clinton call her "sex on a stick.")
6. i'd disqualify miss california for being a doctor and also being able to dance en pointe. i mean seriously, do you really need to be miss america too, you greedy bitch?
7. i'd immediately give the crown to miss dc for singing that aria from gianni schicci that always makes me cry.
8. i'd spend the q&a portion secretly hoping for a carrie-prejean-esque moment (okay, wiki-reseach tells me that this actually happened at the miss usa pagent, not the miss america pagent. but i mean, what the hell? i was taught in high school geography that america and the usa were the same place...). either that or i'd have to leave the room to save myself from having to listen to their borderline-retarded answers.
9. i'd disqualify the black eyed peas FROM LIFE for SELLING THEIR STUPID SONG TO ANYONE WITH FIFTY CENTS AND A SANDWICH.
10. i'd totally be watching the leafs/canucks game on someone's iphone under the judge's table.