top ten most frequently played songs on the radio between toronto and ottawa

so, since i no longer own any cds (thanks to some neighbourhood thugs breaking into my car) and my ipod adapter has somehow gone awol (possibly thanks to the same neighbourhood thugs, who knows) i was reduced to radio-surfing the whole drive up and back to ottawa. and anyone who's driven with me knows, i am an unapologetic channel-surfer. the reason for this is two-fold: one, the concept of playing two decent songs back to back seems to be completely foreign to most radio stations; and two, i can never really shake the feeling that there might be something better on at that exact moment that i'm totally missing out on. realistically, it's all the same, i know. especially when you look at the numbers.

1. "already gone" (nine times) - every time this song would come on i'd be all happy cause i thought it was "halo" (they sound exactly the same!) and then get really sad because, come on, it's a sad song. also, they used it as the background music for the exit montages for all the girls getting voted off sytycd last season, so i associate it with sheer tragedy. (remember asuka? sheer. tragedy.)
   
2. "boom boom pow" (eight times) - weird, cause there's, like, two other, newer black eyed peas songs they could have played, but whatever. my favourite thing about this song is how on the radio they bleep out "satellite" of "satellite radio." oh, regular radio. so insecure.
3. "knock you down" (six times) - speaking of weirdo bleeps, i still can't figure out why they bleep out "ship" when ne-yo sings "pimp ship." i mean, you'd think if they were going to bleep anything, it would be "pimp."
4. "sexy bitch" (six times) - the funny thing about this song is how, the further you get away from toronto, the more likely the song changes from "sexy bitch" to "sexy chick." i also find it funny that the only "words to describe this girl without being disrespectful" that akon can find are "damn you's a sexy bitch." yeah. not disrespectful at all.
5. "evacuate the dance floor" (five times) - i'm probably the only person in the world who tears up at this song, but sense memory can't be fooled. although there is one part that makes me laugh - when the dude says "everybody in the club" in the background, it totally reminds me of the guy in aqua saying "come on barbie, let's go party." this song always makes me wonder, too, why people always address the dj as "mr." it's always so respectful: "hey mr. dj, put a record on" or "hey mr. dj let the music take me underground" or whatever. but what if the dj was a girl? they'd probably just call her a sexy bitch, i guess.
6. "good girls go bad" (four times) - i can't handle this song. mostly because in my mind leighton meester is never, ever allowed to be anyone other than blair waldorf. she's not even allowed to be leighton meester. and blair waldorf would never, ever let a guy like the dude in cobra starship make her "go bad." the only person who could make blair waldorf "go bad" is blair waldorf. the end.
7. "run this town" (four times) - so i guess kanye west was actually supposed to be in this song, and wasn't just interrupting jay-z, so i won't make a lame joke about that (although - SIDEBAR - friends of mine were saying how funny it would have been to get up on stage while i was getting the metcalf-rooke award last week at my book launch and be all "IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT DANIEL GRIFFIN HAD THE BEST SHORT STORY COLLECTION EVER WRITTEN" and it would have been hilarious except for the fact that my mother would have probably had a heart attack and my father probably would have beaten them up, because they would have had no idea what was going on...) so instead, i'll just say, how much does rihanna look like a fraggle in this video?
   
   

   rihanna	fraggle

   
   no? then answer me this, instead: how scared of jay-z would you be if you were chris brown?
8. "party in the usa" (three times) - if i were miley cyrus, i'd probably be scared of jay-z, too. just saying.
9. "you oughtta know" (an inexplicable three times) - so i don't know if it was, like, alanis morisette day or what, but this was three times on three different radio stations in the span of about thirty minutes. which prompted me to wonder all over again if this song was really written about uncle joey from full house, or whether that was just one of those crazy internet rumours. does anyone know? yes, i am too lazy to google it.
10. "rock you like a hurricane" (three times) - in a "make you feel like you're back in halifax" moment, i heard this song back to back on three different stations (except if it was halifax, it would be once an hour on the same station, but whatever). the first time i got all excited, cranked it up, and belted out the words. the second time, i cranked it up then switched away from it about three quarters of the way through. the third time, i might have actually yawned. i love you, radio. don't ever change.
    

catch up list

omg, listophelia, i'm sorry i've been neglecting you. i know you're probably mad at me. but here are some things i want you to know:

1. i did all the things on my "to do " list! and more! including launch a book. did i mention i was going to do that? maybe i'll show you pictures sometime.
   
2. i was thinking about you the whole time. and i've got a whole new list of lists for you.
3. i know it might seem like i'm cheating on you, but i'm not, i swear! open book and me, we're just work friends. there might be some late nights working together, some out of town business trips, but you know you're number one in my heart, baby.
4. i've been talking to some people. and they've been talking about me. in case you're interested.
5. i'm in ottawa right now, in a ridiculously nice hotel room, waiting to head over to the writers' festival and maybe get myself some free food. i won't be late, i promise. and maybe tomorrow when i get back to toronto, we can drink some wine, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or something.
   

things i will be doing instead of updating my blog

well guys, i'm going on vacation (i refuse to call it a "staycation," okay?) and while i know my absence alone will already create a giant, black, gaping hole of emptiness in all your lives, i thought i would pour salt on the proverbial wound and tell you all the fun things i'll be doing while you're sitting at your computers missing my awesomeness.

1. going to niagara falls. i've never been there before, and i'm expecting great things. especially from the fallsview indoor water park, the fashion outlets on the new york side, and that awesome boat ride from that alexisonfire video that the office later ripped off. (ps, one of these things made me cry. and it wasn't the video).
2. watching the leafs lose to the rangers, followed by watching the raps lose to the celtics. oh toronto. why did i not move to a city with winning sports teams?!
3. driving to the airport. driving back from the airport. driving to the airport again. driving back from the airport again. and as fun as that sounds, the fun part will be the people i'm picking up. even if i have to clean my car (which in my case involves vacuuming oregano out of my trunk. seriously, it's everywhere, even in the tambourine and in the sombrero and in the cracks of the ghostface killah cd. this might sound cryptic, but i know some of you are laughing pretty hard right now.)
4. going to ride the behemoth in the dark and see some other scariness at canada's wonderland halloween haunt.
5. hopefully going to see where the wild things are. hopefully not going to see couples retreat. although i can be kind of a pushover about these sorts of things, so i'll let you know.
   
6. on tuesday, october 20th, i've got a little thing called a book launch. you should totally come.
7. on thursday, october 22nd, i'm going to kitchener to read with rebecca rosenblum and carrie snyder at the tnq fall issue launch. you should totally come to that, too!
8. on sunday, october 25th, i'm going to ottawa to read at the ottawa writers' festival. i'm not going to tell you what to do, but, well, you know...
   

top ten tv shows i will not watch

tv, i'm sorry. you know i love you unconditionally. i love your campy reality shows and your thursday night comedies; i love your crime dramas and your game shows; i even love your oft-maligned saturday night sketch comedy shows. but there are some places, tv, where i have to draw the line. please, don't take offense. we can't all be perfect.

1. dr. oz - this show has replaced my hate-on for dr. phil. but a show dedicated to creating a nation of hypochondriacs (seriously - there is a headline on his website that reads "is your house killing you?") is not my idea of a pleasant hour of tv-watching. even if it is oprah-sanctioned.
2. 90210 2.0 - i'm sorry, shenae grimes. i loved you on degrassi:tng, but you are not and never will be shannen doherty. and tv: quit trying to make hip new remakes of all my favourite childhood shows. this goes for you, too, melrose 2.0. (but not you, degrassi:tng. you keep on doing what you're doing.)
3. almost anything on tlc - i say "almost anything" because tlc is the home to the greatest fashion show ever made, what not to wear (i swear to god if you're not contantly a little afraid that stacy london and clinton kelly will jump out from behind a pillar and show you your "secret footage", you're not even alive). but i will not watch your shows about unusual families, be they about little people, douchbags plus eight, or twenty million kids and counting. i will not watch your shows about monkey babies, morbidly obese teenagers, baby pageant queens or women who didn't know they were pregnant. i will not even link to them! and i'm sorry, that ad you kept running about the tree man? i will never be able to unsee that, you bastards. the learning channel, my ass.
4. intervention - a&e, you're on warning. i loved your mystery theatre afternoons when i was a kid; you were always there with an episode of law and order just when i needed it. but if you don't stop with the depressing, exploitative shows like this one and hoarders then i'm promoting you to tlc status. don't think i won't do it.
5. law and order, uk- speaking of law and order. dear dick wolf: you have made my life worth living for years now. you brought jerry orbach (rip) into my living room every week, as well as chris noth (twice!) and the hotness that is benjamin bratt. but i'm sorry, i don't care how british he actually is... stop wussying up my apollo! that is all.
6. dancing with the stars - this may come as a bit of a surprise, considering my complete and utter devotion to so you think you can dance in all its forms. but for me, the difference between watching real dancers displaying their abilities on stage, and watching ex-football players and washed-up reality stars in ridiculous outfits flailing around while their partners try not to look embarrassed, is monumental.
7. nancy grace - i think everyone will agree with me that this woman is ridiculous and should be stuffed into a cannon and shot out to sea. end of story.
8. everybody loves raymond - this basically goes for any laugh-track based half hour sitcom based around a bumbling, stereotypically clueless man and his smarter, too-hot-to-be-believable-as-his-wife wife and all their stupid, mundane family escapades. and yes, i know it isn't on anymore, but i don't think anyone ever told that to peachtree tv. (ps, while we're on the subject, peachtree tv? really?)
9. aqua teen hunger force - i'm not against watching cartoons, even ones like south park and family guy that frequently cross the disgusting line for me (i have actually physically vomited while watching the family guy. true story). but this show is stupid, gross and not funny. plus the art is reminiscent of beavis and butthead, which is enough to make me never want to watch it, ever.
10. love court. oh, much music. really? really? is this the best you can come up with? sigh.
    

things i'm thankful for

thanksgiving is pretty much my favourite holiday. i just love the idea of a day where you're supposed to think about all the good things in your life (of course, the food is also pretty awesome). and even though i can't be with my family this year, eating my mom's delicious turkey (or my stepmom's delicious fondue), i can still do the thankful part.

1. my super-supportive and awesome family and friends, and the fact that so many of them are coming to toronto to see me launch my first book (no matter how many trips out to the airport i have to make).
2. i might have mentioned it a couple of times before, but i have a book coming out in, like, a matter of seconds. i guess i'm pretty thankful for that.
3. frozen turkey tv dinners. no, hear me out. i know that some people find it depressing that this is what i've been eating on holidays while i've had to work and be away from my family. but it's not! it's awesome! i get to still feel like i'm participating in christmas, or thanksgiving, or whatever, without having to go through all the work of cooking a turkey for one. now that would be depressing.
4. much music's "bring it on"-athon.
5. boys in maintenance shirts. especially those who don't get mad at me when i forget to tell them i used up the rest of the iced tea powder.
   

top ten most romantic bon jovi lyrics

okay, i admit it, i love bon jovi. not in the "own-all-their-albums, drove-to-new-jersey-to-see-them-in-concert" kind of way (not even enough, obviously, to include them in the list of "things i like," although i did consider it). i won't say they're a "guilty pleasure" either, cause i never feel guilty about any of my pleasures. but bon jovi and their brilliantly cheesy lyrics always seem to have been there at pivotal moments in my life. like "always" coming on the radio in the car every time i was having a particularly dramatic fight with my high school boyfriend, or my friend jeff performing "bad medicine" at summer rock when we were 15 and ripping his shirt off midway through (sorry, jeff). and you guys might not know this, but bon jovi is the most romantic band in the universe. just put one of these songs on a tape and play it on a ghetto blaster under your girlfriend's window if you don't believe me.

1. "i'll be there till the stars don't shine/til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme " - always
2. "i got a dirty down addiction that doesn't leave a track/i got a jolt for your affection like a monkey on my back." - bad medicine
3. "'with an ironclad fist I wake up and french kiss the morning." - bed of roses*
4. "i'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby/when you get drunk, I'll be the wine." - i'll be there for you
5. "your clothes are still scattered all over our room/this whole place still smells like your cheap perfume." - in these arms
6. "i'm a fighter, i'm a poet, i'm a preacher/i've been to school and baby, i've been the teacher/if you show me how to get up off the ground/i can show you how to fly and never ever come back down." - lay your hands on me
7. "chains of love got a hold on me/when passion's a prison you can't break free." - you give love a bad name
8. "gina works the diner all day/working for her man, she brings home her pay/for love." - livin' on a prayer
9. "if i was drowning you would part the sea/and risk your own life to rescue me." - thank you for loving me
   
10. "i don't need no diamonds, i don't need no new bride/i just need you, baby, to look me in the eyes." - livin' in sin

*okay, i know this isn't particularly romantic, in a song that is chock full of ridiculously cheesy romantic lyrics, but it's just too good not to quote. plus, i mean, i'm sure for the morning, it's actually quite a turn on.

the "what boys like" guide to halifax

i know i always talk about how much i like to make stuff up. but sometimes i (gasp!) USE REAL PLACES in my stories! i already talked about a couple of them in a previous post, but me being me, i can never be satisfied with "just a couple" (french fries, minutes in the shower, episodes of gossip girl).

1. hell's kitchen (a good girl): this was the basement bar of the marquee, which is now the paragon. they had shows there. sometimes they were good. it was always cold. you had to cut through there to get to the bathroom from the marquee. my friend jess once had her purse stolen there. and they had really, really great pizza. or, at least it seemed really, really great at 3 in the morning.
2. sobey's on north street (how to survive a summer in the city): this was my sobeys for years. awesome things about sobeys on north: it was open 24 hours (except on sundays, of course, pre-2006) and there was a really cute guy who worked at the checkout counter. not so awesome things about sobeys on north: they got rid of the bulk section and therefore singlehandedly cut off my supply of wine gums. also, according to the website it is actually sobeys on windsor. which makes no sense, given the way its facing.
3. point pleasant park (how to survive a summer in the city): things about point pleasant park (a sub-list): a) it is leased to the city for 1 shilling per year from great britain b) it lost over 75% of its trees during hurricane juan (yeah, it was sad, but we lost over 75% of our truck - i mean, come on, have a little perspective!)
   
   
   amy's dad's truck
   
   
   c) you will see puppies there d) you really, really don't want to swim there. unless you're the mayor.
4. the library (one last thing): okay, yeah, there's more than one library in halifax. but if someone said "i'm going to the library" you knew where they were going. and it was pretty likely they weren't going there to check out books. it was pretty convenient, actually: you could buy your drugs AND your delicious french fries all at the same place. well, you used to be able to, anyway. ahh, memories.
5. pizza corner (one last thing): okay, so there are two things you can do at pizza corner. you can go there during the wee hours of the morning, and you can get into a fight with some drunk asshole with a popped collar who just got kicked out of the dome. or, you can go there during the day, and you can get a donair. a real fucking donair, not one of those fake-ass donairs they try to pawn on you in vancouver or thunder bay, where they ask you if you want beef or chicken and try to wrap it in a tortilla (i'm looking at you, baier's donairs!).
   
6. the waegwoltic club (places to drink outside in halifax): only really fun to go to when you weren't supposed to be there. not so much fun if you're 14 and angsty and have a summer job babysitting a kid who takes swim class there and all you do is sit on the grass in your combat boots and babydoll dresses and write angry poetry in your little black journal about preppy rich kids who won't date you. man, for some reason i just starting missing sassy. ps. that swim class kid is now a rhodes scholar. true story!
7. martinique beach (miriam beachwalker): as avid fans of my blog must surely know, this is my favourite beach. although don't expect to swim there, either.
   
8. cosy's (the people who love her): i have a confession to make. i lived around the corner from this place for years and never, ever went there. it just never seemed to be open. but my friend becca used to live in the neighbourhood and went there all the time. she also drew an amazing picture of it which i had as my desktop wallpaper for months. so it's almost like i've been there.
9. tim's on barrington (twelve weeks): the cool thing about this tim hortons (sigh) is that you can see the trains from inside. okay. you can see the trains from the drive thru. also, rumour has it you used to be able to buy drugs from the drive thru (if you asked for some kind of special double double, i guess). i don't think there was ever glass at this one to smoke behind. there definitely was at the one on young street, but someone told me that, since some of the story is set in toronto, there would be too much weirdo young/yonge confusion, so i just changed it. i'm a fiction writer. deal with it.
10. the mall (what boys like): so yeah, like the library, there is more than one mall in halifax. but if you say "i'm going to the mall" i'm going to assume you're going to halifax shopping centre. and if you were there between 2004-2007, you would have seen me there, hopped up on perks coffee and stinking like yankee candles, trying to sell some middle aged fat lady a buttermilk amber ring that's too small for her fat sausage fingers and devising ways to hang myself in the back room with a sterling silver chain on my half hour unpaid lunch break. don't let anyone ever tell you retail isn't glamourous.
    
11. the y (all we will ever be): i'd like to tell you that this is where i went five times a week for hot yoga and spinning classes. but in reality, the only time i set foot in the place after i learned to swim there at the age of 7 was when my friend heather (who was the aquatic director) needed volunteers to come in and play drowning victims during her lifeguard testing. we had to roughhouse! and run on the pool deck! then one of us had to pretend to break their femur. you know what they say, it's all fun and games til someone breaks their femur.
    
12. the grain elevators (talking about the weather): in the story i describe this as a giant yellow wall. when you live in the south end, this is what it looks like to you, and you can see it from everywhere. it's creepy. an ex-boyfriend told me that story about the prostitute. i have no idea if it's true or not. people who like to make stuff up tend to date other people who like to make stuff up.
13. new ross farm (where you are): this isn't exactly in halifax, but if you grew up in the city, this is where you went for field trips. there were goats and oxen and people dressed up in old-timey outfits, and there was a baker who baked bread the super, super old fashioned way, without a breadmaker or anything. i know, i know, you think i'm making this up, too. but i swear to god it's true.
14. the 103 (post-mortem): this is the highway that takes you out of halifax and to some of the best places on earth. i'm tearing up just thinking about it. of course, it's also the most dangerous highway, like, ever. which makes your journey all the more thrilling!
15. the ardmore tea room (church of latter-day peaches): when i was in high school, my friend kelda and i used to go here and sit and drink tea all afternoon instead of going to class. although now that i think about it, we might have only actually done that once. but i do know that when we lived on beech street, we would go there for breakfast at 2pm in the absolute worst shape possible, and it was almost guaranteed that there would be someone in there in even worse shape than us.
    

things that have been bugging me lately

1. why have i been neglecting this blog? i was actually going to make a list of "things i've been doing other than updating my blog," but it was so lame it was almost embarrassing. i mean, no one wants to know about the disgusting things i found while cleaning out my fridge (they were mostly yogurt-related). or how many hours a night i've been sleeping (it's a lot).
2. why is there no apostrophe in tim hortons? this was recently pointed out to me by alex, and i have to say i am shocked - shocked! - that i never noticed it before, considering i generally like to list "picking out typos on signs" as one of my hobbies on my resume. maybe it's just such an atrocity that my brain actually blocked me from recognizing it for my own safety. but in what grammatical universe does this make sense?!? does the chain belong to several men named tim horton? is that what they sell there? i'm so confused and angry. thank god there's a petition!
3. why has no one thought to put joseph fiennes on television before? it's like i get to go on a little date with him every week.
4. why does leah miller sometimes look so amazing on so you think you can dance canada, and sometimes look really terrible? there's something about her smile in that last picture that reminds me of the joker from batman (jack nicholson's joker, not heath leger's). anyone? anyone? okay, now i just feel like a bitch.
   
5. why can't someone make a printer that actually works? every time? i'm looking at you, hp.
6. why can i never remember my reusable bag when i go to the grocery store?
7. why does love always feel like a battlefield?
   

things to do on sunday, october 4th, 2009 from 4-6pm

1. come see me, rebecca rosenblum and many other talented writers at reading new work at draft 5.1, at the blue moon pub from 4-6pm.
2. if you get rogers sportsnet ontario, i suppose you could watch the cowboys play the broncos. but in my opinion, tony romo's game just hasn't been the same since he broke up with jessica simpson. plus, i mean, come on. get a pvr already.