you just made my list!

when i was doing my undergrad, my roommate and i kept a shit list on our fridge containing the names of all the people who had somehow wronged us, and were therefore not allowed the supreme privilege of entering our apartment. unfortunately, i don't have the list any more (otherwise i would totally post it here), but i can remember a few people who were on it: my roommate's ex-boyfriend; the guy who lived upstairs and was always coming by to borrow toilet paper; a friend of a friend who had said something mean about my sister. the point is, looking back on this list, i'm amazed at how nakedly we wore our dislike for these people. they did something to hurt (or simply annoy) us, and not only were we not afraid to let them know about it, we proclaimed it in crayon on our fridge for all the world to see.

in contrast, the other night when looking through my old book of lists (yes, i have one) i found one called "people who are mean to me," subtitled: "people to make fun of in stories" (apparently this was my idea of the consummate revenge). after reading this list, i realized a couple of things. firstly: somewhere along the line, i stopped wearing my anger on the outside and started choking it back into the cavernous abyss of my cold, dark heart. cause there is no way in hell i would ever, ever post this list for people to read on the internet. secondly (and most shockingly): there are names on the list that i don't recognize. seriously... at one point, these people made me angry enough to put them on my list, and yet only a few years later, i have no idea who they are. i'm sure there's some kind of super deep life lesson i can take away from this, but unless that lesson is "don't post lists of people you hate on the internet, cause for all you know they might grow up to be someone important, like the prime minister, or the editorial assistant who picks your manuscript out of the slush pile", then i don't know what it is.

anyway, i can't just make you read all that and give you at least some idea of who was on this revenge list:

1. dalhousie theatre department (i'm not sure what the entire department did to piss me off, but i'm sure it probably involved either a bad grade or a boy in a dance belt.)
2. yellow cab (i knew there was a reason i always called casino. i just don't know that reason).
3. pretty much every boss i ever had.
4. a girl named sarah who was so annoying that she deserved a parenthetical and two exclaimation marks (god she is so annoying!!)
5. the same friend of a friend who said something mean about my sister. apparently this is something that i never, ever forget. keep that in mind if you ever, well, think about saying something mean about my sister.
6. econo-save (okay. that was homer, not me).
   

five reasons why tim horton's should consider sponsoring my book

it's funny the things you notice when you read through all your stories at once.

1. "abby’s stomach churning, norah grinning, her dark hair flying out behind her like a superhero’s cape, her army boots making a clack-clack sound on the pavement, running around the edge of citadel hill and down sackville street, picking up speed as they soar down the hill through downtown halifax, past the people in the window at tim horton’s, past the grownups drinking outside, on patios, their faces hazy and serious and old." - from "places to drink outside in halifax."
   
2. "on her break audrey walks down the street to the tim horton’s and while she is waiting in line for her english toffee cappuccino she sees across-the-hall paul sitting at one of the plastic tables reading a book and eating some soup." - from "what boys like."
   
3. "on the way to the hospital he would have taken us through the tim horton’s drive thru because he was up late the night before and you, natalie, would have wanted to be born before the sun came up." - from "where you are."
   
4. "the farmer had been very understanding. he had even given lilly a little bottle of sunflower oil, but when lilly wasn’t looking, georgia threw it in a garbage can at the tim horton’s in stewiacke when they stopped on the way home for coffee and danishes." - from "the church of latter-day peaches."
   
5. "michelle picks her up in a souped-up civic and they drive to the tim’s on barrington, where they sit behind the glass so that michelle can smoke." - from "twelve weeks."
   
6. "but later, after they go through the dairy queen drive thru, mandy catches audrey french kissing her soft-serve. 'okay, spill it aud,' she says, stabbing her blizzard with a plastic spoon." - from "what boys like."
   

okay, i know the last one isn't a tim's reference, but i'm keeping my sponsorship offers open! especially if it involves free hot fudge sundaes.

daily dose of listalgia

this one's a little long, but you really have to read the whole thing in order to get the full feel for what it's like to be a young, passionate writer with a cynical streak sitting in the break room at chapters after spending a soul-sucking morning shelving dr. phil books.

things i did today

1. ate some eggo waffles
2. took riley for a walk
   
3. watched a rerun of the cosby show
   
4. banned some kids from the internet
5. killed an earwig in the kitchen
6. got an email from my friend shawn
7. watched so you think you can dance canada
8. played fetch with riley
9. flossed my teeth
10. GOT THE GALLEY PROOFS OF MY BOOK IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!
    

top ten internet recipes i would totally make (if i could actually cook)

i think i mentioned already that i'm a bit of a food pron addict. in fact, i'm actually watching the food network as i type this (right now sunny anderson is telling me why it's important to be friends with your local fishmonger). and even though i like a grilled lime-curry rubbed hangar steak with fresh melon-cucumber chutney or almond praline semifreddo with grappa-poached apricots as much as the next girl, my real obsessions lean more towards the bacon-wrapped and the nutella-infused. your arteries can't clog just from looking at pictures, though... can they?

1. the baconcado is exactly what it sounds like: an avocado wrapped in bacon. this guy (he's a jew and he loves bacon!) is pretty much the king of bacon-wrapping, even going so far as to take the infamous bacon explosion and wrapping it in eggs, cheese, and pastry. but i can't resist the combination of my favourite vegetable and, well, bacon. mmm. bacon. should we talk about bacon some more?
2. i know i said i like things bacon-wrapped, but i'm also not adverse to wrapping bacon with other things, such as panko bread crumbs. especially if it's deep fried.
3. i'll be honest, i could probably eat everything off of this website (yes, i know friends have sent me the link to this website as a joke, thinking i would laugh along with them at the ridiculousness of it all. haha! joke's on you). but i think my favourite (next to the deep fried bacon, of course) is this chocolate truffle pie. i'm pretty much entering a diabetic coma just thinking about it.
4. the best thing about this guy's blog is he actually eats the things that he makes (i mean, i guess there are people out there eating the things they post up on thisiswhyyourefat, but you never actually see the eating taking place. check out the last picture on this page and tell me that guy totally didn't scarf down that whole, huge, ridiculous sandwich.) the second best part is, he basically just made this sandwich one day while he was hungry. and washed it down with milk from a glass shaped like a boot.
5. the other great thing about the above sandwich is that it inspired other, possibly greater sandwiches.
6. the other great thing about it is, the chick who made that sandwich got herself her very own blog, where she makes the most ridiculous things, usually involving either bacon or nutella, and nearly always deep fried. and she eats them all. and she looks like she weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet. which would actually kind of make me hate her if she hadn't invented the nutella-strawberry wonton.
7. okay, and the bacon-cheeseburger eggroll. i'm sorry i said i might hate you, varta. i might actually want to marry you.
8. insanewiches is actually more known for turning sandwiches into art as opposed to inventing sandwiches that are stupidly delicious. but this breakfast club is pretty much my dream sandwich (and not just cause it's named for my favourite john hughes movie. rip.) i say "pretty much" cause if it were up to me, i'd replace the mayo with maple syrup. and maybe take out the tomatoes. i mean, those tomatoes are not fooling anyone.
9. although i would never do this to my white castle (when you drive 2 hours just to get a slyder and a cherry coke, you don't really want to fuck around with it. you want to eat it. period. jesus christ, white castle, come to canada already), i still think it's hilarious. plus part of me would want to serve it to my foodie friends and see if they could tell that it was actually fried up in the back of a gas station by a 14 year old in pajama pants:
   
   gas station white castle in hinckley, minnesota.



10. and finally, as only fitting for an internet food pron addict, i've found my perfect wedding cake on cakewrecks. although some people (hi, mom!) might say that the fact that i want my wedding cake to look like it's made out of lego is a sure sign i'm not ready to have a wedding cake. whatevs, mom. whatevs.

a list of things related to this photograph

1. it's a robot!
2. it's a fan!
3. it's a robot and a fan!
4. it's the only thing keeping the skin from melting off my face right now.
   

top ten awesome things about the cle

1. the candy fortress





2. deep fried chocolate bars





3. elephant ears





4. home made fries





5. twisted ice cream cones





6. wings and fries, cold drinks, candy apples, sno cones, hot popcorn, cotton candy





7. not being able to decide which kind of delicious carnival food you want to eat
8. finally deciding on a candy apple and a caramel apple and then eating it on the way back to the car
9. the company
10. miniature donkeys

songs that boys like

if this amazing soundtrack doesn't make you want to buy my book, ("what boys like," available september 15th at a bookstore near you!) then i don't know what will.

1. "mr. jones" (a good girl) - sung by alex and yousef while drunk and high on a boat.
   
2. "rock you like a hurricane" (a good girl) - on the radio while alex drives home hung over.
3. "she will be loved" (a good girl) - alex and martine's first wedding dance.
4. "oh what a night" (one last thing) - playing at julia's imaginary prom.
5. "all apologies" (one last thing) - playing in the background at the coffee shop where julia searches for joey.
6. "in bloom" (one last thing) - blasting from a car stereo.
7. "girlfriend" (army of one) - playing on the radio as eric drives becca to the hotel.
8. "all i want is you" (army of one) - the song playing in eric's head all day.
9. "i'll be there" (all we will ever be) - emily and daniel's first junior high dance.
10. "powderfinger" (all we will ever be) - emily buys daniel the record and they listen to it while they cook dinner.
    
11. "funkytown" (all we will ever be) - emm and james get drunk and dance on a speaker.
12. "knockin on heaven's door" (all we will ever be) - emily listens through her headphones while making coffee.
13. "crazy" (all we will ever be) - emily and daniel dance in the kitchen.
14. "wild horses" (all we will ever be) - playing on the radio the morning after.
15. "bed of roses" (where you are) - playing on the radio when anna brings natalie home from the hospital.
    

reasons you should visit the matrix website

1. because matthew trafford's short story, "gutted," is on there, and he's a genius
2. do you really need a reason other than that?

top ten ways to swear on the internet

my alter-ego as caped crusader of the world wide web (aka kid's chat room monitor) gives me the opportunity to help keep the world's children from reading certain words and phrases that would potentially damage their young, impressionable minds (you know, until they turn on the tv/radio/talk to any of their friends at school). our phrase filter does a lot of the work, but when kids want to say something they're not allowed to say, they will find a way to do it. their creativity confuses me. on one hand, not only have they completely bastardized the english language, but they're making me work harder. on the other hand, you've got to give it to the little bastards for their tenacity - a quality i greatly admire (in myself, mostly). plus, i'm sorry, it makes me laugh. you see my dilemma.

• won*: what a flu can doom as
• to: duck you you duck in bench
• tree: mother foe key are
• for: i hat you be ouch
• hive: sock a my pushy
• sick: shot the flock up you piece of sit
• sea van: you stew pod she a it
• ate: you flip pin man wore
• mine: eat my boom boom
  
• tin: go to hill cook sock are

*in deference to the phrase filter, which will not allow the typing of real numbers.

you think that's bad? wait until you hear how they talk about sex. you'll never look at vegetables the same way again.